Screw You, DM!

If I ran a game store I would play the song Screw You, DM! by Dan Marcotte.

Dungeon Masters can be messed up. They can be stingy with loot, adhere tyrannically to dice rolls, alter the character that you've crafted, and put you into no-win situations. I don't think it's uncommon for there to be hurt feelings at the gaming table every now and then. Apparently Dan Marcotte has attended some of those gaming tables because he has released Screw You, DM! to be the song you sing as you cry in your beer. Screw You, DM! is a parody of the famous Irish folk standard Whiskey in the Jar, with Marcotte's version sounding closer to The Dubliners' 1960s version than the Metallica or Thin Lizzy covers. Marcotte performs the song in his Renaissance bardic style, complete with lute and recorder. It's song is sung from the perspective of a wronged D&D player, with examples of unfair play to which we can all relate. He made sure to add in plenty of D&D vocabulary to make it a very fitting song for my imaginary game store.

Screw You, DM! was released on Dan Marcotte's 2009 album, Manticores and Owlbears.

Screw You, DM! on Google Play

Screw You, DM! lyrics

As I was going over the notes of our campaign
I realized the multitudes of characters that were slain
In retrospect I must admit it wasn't really fair
To lose first level characters to a flock of owlbears
We've had to roll so many saving throws in vain
To keep mind flayers from sucking out our brains
It never really mattered, the odds were all the same
This was a character slaughterhouse, you called it a campaign

Twenty, twelve, ten, eight, six, four
Screw you, D.M. today
To hell with your stupid game
We're walking out the door

One game I do remember, our party was first level
And the N.P.C. who joined us had more hit dice than a devil
And though we had a ranger, and though the land was flat
A pair of giants ambushed us and made our heads go splat
Then the N.P.C. drew both his plus five Swords of Sharpness
He killed both the giants while we died upon the grass
The D.M. played with just himself, what a challenge rating
I guess that's why they call it Dungeon Master -

Twenty, twelve, ten, eight, six, four
Screw you, D.M. today
To hell with your stupid game
We're walking out the door

And of course you must agree when the party gets too strong
The D.M. has a plan to take your treasure all along
Our party followed forth a lead, given by the D.M.
And we boarded a ship to make his plot move quicker to our end
Then a storm beset us and a giant squid attacked
The ship's hull cracked and then we sank into the sea so black
Our Bag of Holding opened, we lost all our treasure
So tell me Mister D.M. was this business or just pleasure?

Twenty, twelve, ten, eight, six, four
Screw you, D.M. today
To hell with your stupid game
We're walking out the door

Once I was a roguish bard, dark and suave and cool
But the D.M. he had other plans in this world of "radiant pools"
First I got a magic girdle, changed me to a girl
I thought, "Okay, interesting, I'll give the girl a whirl"
Then a mage with polymorph, he cast a spell on me
Soon I was a halfling chick standing three foot three
Then some undead found me and cursed me in the shire
And I became a bardic-blade sex-changed hobbit vampire

Twenty, twelve, ten, eight, six, four
Screw you, D.M. today
To hell with your stupid game
We're walking out the door

Twenty, twelve, ten, eight, six, four
Screw you, D.M. today
To hell with your stupid game
We're walking out the door

So screw you, D.M., to hell with your stupid game
Your plots are weak, your pacing sucks, each session is the same
You take away our magic, you take away our gold
So screw you, D.M., your campaign is getting old
Why don't you roll a saving throw D.C. nineteen?
To see if it will save you from us kicking in your spleen?
It doesn't really matter, the odds are all the same
There's five of us and one of you, we're ending your campaign

Twenty, twelve, ten, eight, six, four
Screw you, D.M. today
To hell with your stupid game
We're walking out the door

Screw you, D.M. today
To hell with your stupid game
We're walking out the door