The Elements

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Elements by Tom Lehrer.

"Sing the phonebook" is a phrase at the root of many compliments paid to singers. It's used to claim they could sing any old words and make it sound good, for example, "she could sing the phonebook and I'd pay to listen." While I've never heard that claim made about Tom Lehrer, he did sing the names of all the elements on the periodic table to paying audiences. The song, The Elements, is him singing those names to the tune of Major-General's Song from The Pirates of Penzance. He names every element on the table at the time the song was written in 1959, although he doesn't sing them in the order they appear on the periodic table. Instead, he puts them into a sequence to match the original tune's meter and to introduce alliteration. The song is equal parts hectic and humorous.

The Elements has been released on three of Tom Lehrer's albums. First, on 1959's More of Tom Lehrer and 1959's An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer (it's a live album and the track has spoken comedy in addition to the song) and 1994's compilation album Tom Lehrer in Concert (it's the same track from An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer). The song has also appeared on compilation kids' and comedy albums.

The Elements (More of Tom Lehrer version) on Google Play

The Loneliest Ghost in Town

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Loneliest Ghost in Town by Southern Culture on the Skids.

We don't all get to choose where we'll be when our life ends. The thing is if you move on to the spirit realm then it's not so much of a matter for you, but if your soul is trapped wandering across the mortal realm, well, then you hope to be someplace nice. There are tales of some pretty boring haunted places, like canyon passes and ghost ships. If you're the living and you get spooked by an out of the way ghost you scream and run away, but if you're the ghost in this scenario then you're in for an afterlife of boredom. The Loneliest Ghost in Town is a foot-stomping, rockabilly song with a title that sums up its subject matter quite well.

The Loneliest Ghost in Town was released on the 2013 album, Mondo Zombie Boogaloo. MZB is a Halloween-themed album, with songs by Southern Culture on the Skids, The Fleshtones, and Los Straitjackets. It released in in October 2013 to accompany the three bands on a joint tour. In my opinion, there are two other standout tracks on the album: It's Monster Surfing Time and Que Monstruos Son, both by Los Straitjackets. It's Monster Surfing Time is a surf music song with a playful, ominous vibe to it. Que Monstruos Son is a Spanish-language version of The Monster Mash and it features members from The Fleshtones and Southern Culture on the Skids. If I ran a game store I would also play the song It's Monster Surfing Time. for the general vibe it brings.

The Loneliest Ghost in Town on Google Play

Press Start to Continue

If I ran a game store I would play the song Press Start to Continue by Possible Oscar.

I'm pretty much a blundering idiot. I say the wrong things. I act the wrong way. I'm never listening when it matters. If I had a ring that would take me back twenty seconds when I twist it, that would give me just enough time to review my foolishness and replace it with better behavior. I'm betting that Possible Oscar is a bunch of blundering idiots, too, because they've written a song about going back in time to correct social errors. Their solution was to do like in video games, though, where you can save your game and start there again after you die. Press Start to Continue is a parody of Judas Priest's Living After Midnight. I realize that heavy metal isn't the right fit for most game stores, but Living After Midnight is 35 years old and the original has weathered with time, plus Possible Oscar knows how to record their tunes so they're perfect for game stores - if you squint, it almost sounds like classic rock.

Press Start to Continue was released on the FuMP in early 2008 and it released a few months later on their album, The FuMP Volume 7. It was included on Possible Oscar's 2010 album, Individual Results May Vary.

Press Start to Continue on Bandcamp
Press Start to Continue on Google Play

My Freeze Ray

If I ran a game store I would play the song My Freeze Ray by Neil Patrick Harris.

The Fall 2007 season of television was a bleak season for it suffered under the impact of a Writers Guild of America strike. By the opening of 2008, there was nothing new to watch anywhere. Established shows were capable of surviving the strike while others, like Pushing Daisies, were doomed. However, just because there was a strike doesn't mean that all writers spent all their time on picket lines. The Whedon brothers - Jed, Joss, and Zack - and actress Maurissa Tancharoen (later Jed's wife) spent time working on a project that would allow them circumvent the entanglements of the strike. The result was Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a three-act musical comedy/drama video starring Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, and Felicia Day. It was first released for public consumption on the Dr. Horrible website, with act 1 releasing on July 15, 2008, act 2 on July 17, and act 3 on July 19, and has since become available from many vendors. The series was very warmly received and cemented the Whedons and stars as modern pop culture geek icons. It spawned a pseudo-sequel (Commentary! The Musical), comic book tributes by Dark Horse Comics, and cosplay fandom.

My Freeze Ray is the first song of the first act, performed by Neil Patrick Harris. In the scene, Dr. Horrible (NPH) is reading a letter submitted to his blog that questions who "her" is. Cut to the interior of a laundromat. Dr. Horrible is incognito, casting a wanting eye over Penny (Felicia Day) and singing about his feelings for her. I find it to be the most accessible song from the series, especially without context. The song reflects a supervillain in the making singing about how he wants to use his powers for love and not evil. It's sweet and menacing at the same time.

The song was released on the 2008 soundtrack entitled, Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Fans often refer to the song with the name "Laundry Day,"

My Freeze Ray on Google Play

The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix)

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix) by Lemon Demon.

If Darth Vader fought the Doctor, who would win? What if it was Indiana Jones versus a Terminator T-800 Model 101? How about Batman versus Sauron? Or Vin Diesel and Mr. T? Pirates or ninjas? These are all classic arguments to be had on the walk to school in the sixth grade, at the game table as you wait for Jimmy to arrive, or in the Cal Tech cafeteria as depicted on The Big Bang Theory. In 2005, Lemon Demon threw all the names into a hat and rolled out The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny as a tribute to these queries. The song narrates the events of a battle royale between pop culture figures large and small and old and new, ultimately crowning a single victor.

When the song was initially released, in December 2005, it accompanied a Flash animation video by Shawn Vulliez. The video was released on the Newgrounds website, where it went viral and currently has over 12,000,000 views. The video was copied onto other viral websites, like Albino Blacksheep and YouTube, where it continued to be viewed by millions of people. Dr. Demento played the song repeatedly through 2006, with the song topping the "Funny Five" many times and eventually being crowned #1 Request for 2006. In July 2006, Lemon Demon released The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny on his album, Dinosaurchestra. Lemon Demon recorded a new version of the song, The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix), for inclusion in the Rock Band video game series in 2010. He also released the RBN Mix on The FuMP, where it was eventually included on The FuMP Volume 22. Finally, a live version of the song was released on Lemon Demon's 2011 album, Live (Only Not), with the billing "performed by the actual Full Band, instead of just a guy and a computer." The full band is Neil "Lemon Demon" Cicierega on vocals and piano, Greg Lanzillotta on drums, Alora Lanzillotta on bass, Charles "Chooch" Sergio and Dave Kitsberg on guitars. If I ran a game store I would play the RBN Mix version.

The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix) on Google Play

Sidekick

If I ran a game store I would play the song Sidekick by Tom Smith.

Heroic duos go far back into the history of fiction with the term "sidekick" being shortened from "side kicker" in the 1850s. A heroic duo is formed of one hero - Sherlock Holmes, King Arthur, Frodo Baggins, Han Solo - and one side kick - John Watson, Merlin, Samwise Gamgee, Chewbacca. Sometimes the hero lives up the title of hero and other times the sidekick is the one exhibiting strength and lifting the hero through conflict. The hero gets the glamour and the sidekick gets a feeling of thanks. This is the dynamic that Tom Smith examines in the song Sidekick. The song is a jaunty tune performed by Mr. Smith singing over a Garageband track. Lyrically, it sounds like the grumbling of an undervalued sidekick, more in line with four-color comics than classical literature.

Sidekick was released on Tom Smith's 2007 album, iTom 4.0: Smith and Legend.

Sidekick on Google Play

Half as Cool as Han Solo

If I ran a game store I would play the song Half as Cool as Han Solo by Dan Beahm and The Invisible Three.

I remember when I was a child of six years of age and after seeing Star Wars: A New Hope we all wanted to be Luke Skywalker. Since it didn't make sense for us all to be Luke some of us played Wedge and some of us played Porkins and some of us played Han, but Luke was the man to be. Luke was pretty much the cool one until we all got to high school and realized he was the whiny one. At that point all of our perceptions of cool fragmented, with some guys choosing Lando, some choosing Boba Fett, and some choosing Han. I'm pretty sure this debate still occurs among long-time and brand-new fans of the franchise.

Dan Beahm is clearly in the camp of Han Solo being the coolest. He's written and performed the love song Half as Cool as Han Solo, in which he shines a light on Solo's finer moments as deeds with which he, Dan, cannot compete. If he could compete, though, he'd be worthy of the Leia he pursues. Mr. Beahm holds himself to too high a standard. Maybe he's not the fastest at the Kessel Run, but he has put out two albums and directed/produced some movies and I think that's pretty cool.

Half as Cool as Han Solo is a medium tempo rock tune. It was released on Dan Beahm and The Invisible Three's 2003 album, Maybe I'll Fly. That version has the lyrics getting swallowed up by the guitar and sounds very late 1990's coffee shop. The song was performed anew and released on Dan Beahm and the Invisible Three's 2007 album, Amplifier. The versions are very similar, with the production quality being the main difference. If I ran a game store I would play the 2007 version.

Half as Cool as Han Solo on Google Play

I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home

If I ran a game store I would play the song I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home by Eduard Khil.

In the 1960s and 1970s Eduard Khil was a treasured Russian crooner, with a couple of generations enjoying his soothing baritone vocals. He and his composer, Arkady Ostrovsky, had composed this song in the mid-60s with lyrics about an American cowboy returning to his farm. When it came time to perform the song on television, Khil put aside the lyrics and performed the song vokaliz style instead (meaning sung but without words, akin to American scat singing). Some claim that the government was censoring the imagery of the life in the American west to Soviet-era listeners. Khil denied this, claiming instead that the lyrics were unfit for television. YouTube has a variety of videos of Khil performing this song. All of them are vokaliz and all are accompanied by a full orchestra. A 1976 performance was discovered there by internet misfits who surfaced it on Reddit, and from there BuzzFeed and the Huffington Post further popularized the video. The video went viral and eventually led to a call to revive Khil's career, although he was well into his 70s at the time. The song has gone down in internet history as the "Trololo" song or the "Russian Rickroll". For me, the song is time-stamped with the mark of the early 2010s. I have to imagine that most people who were clowning around on the internet at that time have encountered this song.

I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home on Google Play

Critical Hit

If I ran a game store I would play the song Critical Hit by Ghost Mice.

Everybody who's ever seen the movie The Goonies remembers the Goonies catchphrase, "Goonies never say die." Critical Hit is a song after that same sentiment. The song takes place in a dungeon where Despair has cast its long shadow over the party. The PCs are spent and the monsters are still walking tall. It's doubtful that the DM is going to play the Deus ex Machina card, so the only thing really left to do is to hack. Hack like your lives depend on it - and hope for that natural 20. "Not all fights are won by skill, some are won by luck." That needs to be on a Chessex poster.

Ghost Mice is a two-piece folk band composed of two people who normally play punk music: Chris Clavin on guitar and Hannah Jones on violin. The two were/are in various punk bands together - and Chris started the label Plan-It-X Records - before striking into folk music. They bring a really fun sound to folk, sounding more like an Austin, Texas band than a Bloomington, Indiana one. Critical Hit has a really loose, folksy, back porch feel to it, with most of the lyrics not caring to rhyme and most of the lines not caring for meter. I tend to forget about this song and then when I hear it I hum it for a week.

Critical Hit was released on the 2007 album, Ghost Mice & Andrew Jackson Jihad. It's a split album with the first eight songs being performed by Andrew Jackson Jihad and the last eight being played by Ghost Mice.

Critical Hit on Google Play

Exclamations

If I ran a game store I would play Exclamations by the Brobdingnagian Bards.

When I was a kid, every now and then during Saturday morning cartoons a commercial was removed and replaced with a cartoon music video from Schoolhouse Rock!. The songs were all super catchy and the cartoons were very cartoony and paired together they were magical to me. The song Exclamations is a parody of the Schoolhouse Rock! song, Interjections. Grammatically speaking, an exclamation is a type of interjection so the parody remains quite true to the original, with both songs being about the parts of speech.

Exclamations is a song written by David Keefer of Maryland-based band Boogie Knights. It's become something of a filk standard and there are many versions on YouTube sung by various artists at various conventions. The Brobdingnagian Bards' version had its lyrics doctored by Andrew McKee (of "the Bards") to be a bit more sci-fi and bit less French, and still very FLGS-worthy. They play their version on an auto-harp with Marc Gunn doing the singing and McKee doing the exclaiming.

Exclamations by the Brobdingnagian Bards was released on The FuMP in summer of 2007 and was released on the album, The FuMP Volume 3 not long after.

Exclamations on Google Play

Worst Superpower Ever

If I ran a game store I would play the song Worst Superpower Ever by The Doubleclicks.

Anyone who's read superhero comics or watched X-Men: The Last Stand knows that not all superpowers or mutations are equal. Some powers are as bland as bones protruding through skin (Marrow), the power of language translation (Cypher), an advanced skill in training attack bees (Red Bee), or the ability to morph into any shape as long as that shape is made of water (Zan). The Doubleclicks decided to have some fun with this idea by taunting the weak-powered heroes of their imaginations with the song Worst Superpower Ever. It's a slowish song filled with the voices of the Webber sisters, a guitar, and the bass tones of the violoncello. In it, they brainstorm some really weak sauce powers and then taunt whoever might have those powers. I think every geek has spent some time brainstorming lists of lousy powers because in our hearts we all know that the popular kids would be the ones with the cool powers while we'd get stuff like the ability to over-stuff pocket protectors.

There are two versions of Worst Superpower Ever that were released simultaneously in 2012. The Doubleclicks released their Chainmail and Cello album and Worst Superpower Ever album at the same time. While the two albums have different songs there are some songs that appear on both, with the Chainmail and Cello versions being dirty and the Worst Superpower Ever versions being clean (they change lyrics, they don't bleep words). In the case of the song Worst Superpower Ever the difference between the two versions is one lyric:

Adult version: Or would you rather be a brave blind man with the power to see?
Kids version: Or would you rather have the power to control all the fish in the sea?

If I ran a game store I would play the adult version of Worst Superpower Ever from the album Chainmail and Cello, just because.

Worst Superpower Ever on Google Play
Worst Superpower Ever (kid's version) on Google Play

Wannabe a Slayer

If I ran a game store I would play the song Wannabe a Slayer by The Spike Girls.

Buffy was the slayer, but there were plenty of people watching her from their sofas wishing they were slayers too. Wannabe a Slayer is something of an instruction manual for acting like a slayer. In it, the Spike Girls sing about the heart and discipline it takes. They list the assets necessary to prevail over evil, and by their estimation you pretty much need the original crew that surrounded Buffy. Basically, you need to be Buffy and I gaffed it by calling the song an instruction manual. There's only one slayer and it's not you and it's not me, so all we can do is wannabe.

Wannabe a Slayer is a parody of The Spice Girls' song, Wannabe. The band name "Spike Girls" is also a parody of the Spice Girls, with the delightful twist of incorporating the name of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer character. The Spike Girls is actually a vocalist named Chemele paired with the great Luke Ski. Luke Ski wrote the song and realized it needed a female singer so his engineer hired Chemele to do the female lyrics while Luke Ski did the rest.

Wannabe a Slayer is from the great Luke Ski's 2002 album, Uber Geek. He re-released the track on his 2003 album, Greatest Hits Volume 1: 1996​-​2003.

Wannabe a Slayer on Bandcamp

Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns

If I ran a game store I would play the song Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns by Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers.

Traditionally, leprechauns wore red coats, green vests, white pants, and black socks. They also like to pinch and prank people and wearing green grants a person immunity from these bothers. It's lesser known, but leprechauns also like to play rock and roll music. Their rock and roll roots go back to early times on the Emerald Isle, though at some point a while ago they stopped playing it. Nobody really remembers when they stopped. Even fewer would know why they stopped. The thing is, they've just recently returned and their rock and roll sound is as playful as ever. Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns is Jonathon Richman's celebration of their return and is itself a playful, stripped down rock and roll song. The song features a bare bones acoustic that sounds like it might have been played in a hall rather than a recording studio, especially the saxophone interlude. It's light-weight and carries a sense of whimsy - perfect for a game store.

Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns is from the 1977 album, Rock 'n' Roll with the Modern Lovers. It was also released on the 2013 compilation album, Roadrunner: The Berzerkeley Collection, which collected their hits on the Berzerkeley record label.

Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns on Google Play

Dark Lord Sleeping on My Sofa

If I ran a game store I would play the song Dark Lord Sleeping on My Sofa by The Blibbering Humdingers.

It took Lord Voldemort a good long while to rebound after zapping baby Harry Potter with the Killing Curse, something like seventeen years. That's a long time for a serial killer to need to couch surf. Ben Franklin nailed it when he wrote, "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." I can only imagine the stress that He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named created when he showed up on a doorstep with his suitcase in hand. Clearly, The Blibbering Humdingers were thinking the same thing because they wrote Dark Lord Sleeping on My Sofa as an exploration of that scenario. The song is played in their typical upbeat fashion, almost sounding like the theme song to a 1980s sitcom. It goes down a list of beefs that a typical house guest presents, like not kicking in for take-out, but it mixes in problems that only the Dark Lord would create.

The song was previewed on YouTube in 2010 with a video using preliminary lyrics and a purposefully raucous performance (link). The final version of the song came a few months later, on The Blibbering Humdingers' 2010 album, Nobody Expects.... They released a karaoke version of the song on their 2012 album, Free Awkward Hugs.

Dark Lord Sleeping on My Sofa on Google Play

Table Top

If I ran a game store I would play the song Table Top by Beefy.

It's Friday night game night at the favorite local game store and Beefy is playing to win with his song, Table Top. If game stores had the bucks to advertise on TV, this is the song they'd play in those ads. It's a Nerdcore hip-hop song that has Beefy breaking open both his Players's Handbook and his rhyming dictionary. In it, he sings about his love of board and card games, calling out his most and least favorites by name. There's some boasting, some joking, and some decreeing. The song has something of a hectic beat to it and it'll take more than one listen to catch all the lyrics and his references.

Table Top is from Beefy's 2008 album, Rolling Doubles. The song was in circulation for nearly a year before the album released and that made it the biggest song on the album. Beefy frequently closes his live shows with it. If I put together a top-ten list of songs to be played in game stores, Table Top would rank very highly.

Table Top on Google Play

Sweep the Leg

If I ran a game store I would play the song Sweep the Leg by No More Kings.

We all knew that Kreese was a bad guy as sensei of the Cobra Kai, but the extent of his bad was shown as he held Johnny's head, stared him dead in the eyes, and uttered, "Sweep the leg." Daniel-san was already as good as beaten. The illegal move Bobby used on his knee made it impossible for Daniel-san to stand without wobbling. After receiving the order Johnny stared at Kreese in shock. "Do you have a problem with that?" asked Kreese. Johnny stammered, "No, sensei." "No mercy," the master reminded the student.

It's an iconic scene in the iconic, 1984 version of The Karate Kid. While it's not depicted in the movie, the events of that fight have lingered in Johnny's mind for a long time. With Sweep the Leg, No More Kings have put together a moderate rock tune that gets inside of Johnny's head and examines all the demons that Kreese and that bout have left lingering there. "I heard the devil whisper in my ear. He made his message clear when he said, 'sweep the leg, Johnny.'" As Johnny awarded Daniel-san the victor's trophy himself it was immediately evident that Kreese's control had ended and the afterthoughts had begun – start the music.

The actors who played the Cobra Kai remain real life friends into the present day. Somehow No More Kings managed to connect with these guys to reprise their roles in the music video for Sweep the Leg. They also got Martin Kove and Ralph Macchio to return as Sensei Kreese and Daniel LaRusso, respectively. The video plays something like a continuation of the movie, perhaps feeling more like a "Twenty years later..." though. The video went viral upon its release.

Sweep the Leg was released on the No More Kings' 2007 album, No More Kings. The album won an Independent Music Award in 2008 in the Album - Pop/Rock category.

Sweep the Leg on Google Play

Soul Bossa Nova

If I ran a game store I would play Soul Bossa Nova by Quincy Jones.

It took Quincy Jones twenty minutes to write Soul Bossa Nova in 1962 (source) and it has lived a robust life ever since. I think it's fair to say that most of us know the song from the Austin Powers series of movies as the outrageous 1960s, flower power theme song. I know that when I pretend to play it in my pretend store I get a lot of "Groovy, baby!", "Oh, behave!", and "Do I make you horny baby?" from my pretend customers. The song was also the theme song to a 1970s/80s Canadian game show. It has been featured in movies and video games, and it's been sampled by hip hop artists. I'm sure Mr. Jones wishes all of his twenty-minutes compositions were as well received.

Soul Bossa Nova was released on Quincy Jones'  shagadelic1962 album, Big Band Bossa Nova.

Soul Bossa Nova on Google Play

Saving Throw

If I ran a game store I'd play the song Saving Throw by Shaun Varney.

Sometimes catastrophe befalls our characters. The game of Dungeons and Dragons is one of heroes, though, and not knaves. Therefore the game designers included a mechanism allowing characters to reach deep inside of themselves to overpower forces that would doom the rest of us: the saving throw. Shaun Varney has provided this heavy metal ode to the life-saving die roll. He lists a series of bad and catastrophic situations from which only a saving throw will save the character, gambling their life on the toss of a d20. He didn't get really adventurous with the lyrics, though he did get a little dark with his scenarios. It's clear he's spent time around a merciless DM.

Saving Throw is from Shaun Varney's 2006 album, Menuit the Mediocre: Truth Is in the Ear of the Beholder.

Saving Throw on Google Play

Ready to Roll

If I ran a game store I would play the song Ready to Roll by Flashlight Brown.

This is what it sounds like when a major music label releases a punk rock song about Dungeons and Dragons. It's fast, loud, well-produced, and more mainstream than niche hobby. Most of the songs about Dungeons and Dragons that I add to this playlist are about very specific gaming elements - the DM, the dice, splitting the party, character generation. Ready to Roll is about D&D but it doesn't get into anything very specific at all. It's very much a radio play song that risks turning off the audience with its geek lingo but that doesn't place all its chips on the gamble. I think the song walks away a winner, though.

Ready to Roll is from Flashlight Brown's 2003 album, My Degeneration. It was also included on the Rugrats Go Wild soundtrack released a couple of months later. Flashlight Brown had originally recorded a cover of Should I Stay or Should I Go for the soundtrack, but the success of Ready to Roll got it placed on the album instead.

Ready to Roll on Google Play

Mwahaha

If I ran a game store I would play the song Mwahaha by Ookla the Mok.

All the best villains enjoy the evil they do and they share their enjoyment in the form of catchphrases and evil laughs. Mwahaha is a collection of some of the best evilisms ever uttered put to rock music. The song is about an evil mastermind trying to determine which catchphrase best suits his needs while the chorus is a medley of cinematic laughs. The song is so laden with references that Ookla the Mok posted this game on The FuMP:

Test Your Super-Villain IQ!

For each reference or quote, give yourself one point for identifying the source material, and another point for correctly naming the speaker.

Below 20 points: Brutish Dolt. How did you even find this website?

Between 20-29 points: Evil Lackey. Insufficient. A Doombot has been dispatched to escort you to the nearest reeducation center.

Between 30-39 points: Evil Minion. You are to be commended for your effort. I promise you a quick and painless death.

Between 40-49 points: Evil Henchman. Most impressive, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Over 50 points: Evil Overlord. This is not necessarily something to be proud of. When was the last time you saw the sun?

I scored 31 for lyrics and 4 for laughter; solid Evil Minion.

Mwahaha was released on The FuMP in January 2013. It was released on Ookla the Mok's album, Vs Evil, in March 2013.

Mwahaha on Google Play