You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You

If I ran a game store I might play the song You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You by Moneyshot Cosmonauts, it's iffy.

Everybody has their secrets. Some of us watch taboo anime, some of us use cosplay inappropriately, some of us use our beards to conceal weird things on our faces, and some of us aren't too proud to take home a bottom-feeder. It's this last group that Moneyshot Cosmonauts focuses on in You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You. Their parody of the oldie I Only Want to Be with You by Dusty Springfield (and covered many times since) follows a woman who's far from home, looking for some action in a bar full of losers. It's an internal dialogue showing her willpower weaken as she takes drink after drink.

The Moneyshot Cosmonauts aren't a band in the normal sense. They're M. Spaff Sumsion and whoever he can find to assist when the inspiration to record strikes him. Each song of theirs will have a different listing of band members. For You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You it's Cari Golden on lead and backing vocals, Bob Emmet on backing vocals and all of the instruments, and M. Spaff Sumsion on lyrics. They released the song on The FuMP in 2010 and it was released on The FuMP Volume 20 a couple of months later.

Gamers have the enduring reputation of being homely, weird, smelly nerds. I've spent enough time gaming in game stores and at conventions to know that this reputation should have expired, but hasn't. We're a diverse lot and I think that diversity lends us a collective sense of humor about homeliness, weirdos, and nerd life. Therefore I also think we can take a song like You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You and get a laugh out of it and not think it's aimed at us, because it isn't. But it also kind of is. We count the homely, weird, and smelly nerds among our numbers and there's a good chance we've all dealt with considering ourselves to be one - it's like a group identity thing. Okay, this is getting away from me. What I'm trying to say is this song isn't about gaming or pop culture so it doesn't properly belong on this list, but I think it'll play well to gamers because reasons, therefore it's iffy as to whether or not I'd play it in my store. Was that so hard to say, Roy, really?

You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You on Google Play

I Should Be Writing

If I ran a game store I might play the song I Should Be Writing by John Anealio, it's iffy.

Songwriter John Anealio finds his mind wandering when it comes time to write lyrics. It is oft summoned by the siren call of the internet or of the TARDIS materializing on BBC America. At some point we've all sat down to write - maybe it's a school assignment, maybe it's art, or maybe it's a post on a very quiet blog. And at some point we've all experienced what John does: our minds wanting to focus on something - anything - other than writing. I Should Be Writing is a gentle self-scolding for those times. If I ran a game store I would strongly consider playing this song because I know that many of the patrons have creative pursuits, be they GMs or comic book authors or bardic poets. It's iffy for me because the song is more about the creative process and no so much about gaming or monsters or pop culture, but I really believe that my fictional customers would take to the song.

I Should Be Writing is the theme song to a podcast of the same name and it was specially commissioned by the podcast's host, Mur Lafferty, for that purpose. The song was also released on John Anealio's 2010 EP, NaNoWriMo, which is his ode to National Novel Writing Month. The EP also has an acoustic version of the song, titled I Should Be Writing (Acoustic). If I ran a game store I would play the electronic version. The difference is instrumental only, with both songs being gentle rock tunes. John plays guitar on both versions, but the electronic version also has him playing synthesizer and drum machine.

From John Anealio's Bandcamp page:

"I Should Be Writing" is dedicated to everyone who writes. Whether you write novels, articles, blog posts, comics, or songs, I think everyone has occasions when they doubt what they are doing or are easily distracted. Hopefully this song will help.

I Should Be Writing on Bandcamp

Cantina

If I ran a game store I might play the song Cantina by Voltaire, it's iffy.

What if the Mos Eisley Cantina was really a gay bar? And what if the patrons there were rough in the sack? That's the subject about which Voltaire sings in his Cantina. He plays the song as a western honky-tonk and at first it plays like an actual western tune about Star Wars, but when Cantina gets to the twist the song gets wrong. The lyrics get into Han and Chewie and Greedo and more taking turns with Luke, having their way with him. There's an extended version of the song that adds others to the list of bodies coming at him. The song was done in jest and it plays as crude humor, but offense is in the ear of the listener and I can see where clientele might not appreciate the song as humor. Cantina uses the word "homo" and claims that Luke has lost his manhood for the acts performed on him, but it also has him enjoying himself and wanting more. Listening to Voltaire's larger body of work you grasp that he goes for bawdy, NSFW humor and in that context this song doesn't seem so offensive. However, you can see where this one is iffy regardless, and maybe it's a solid "nope" and my sensibilities are askew. There is definitely a difference in the humor of Cantina and Suds Me Up, Sulu, where the former is iffy and the latter is a definite play in my fictional game store.

Cantina is from Voltaire's 2007 album, Ooky Spooky. Using his more recent performing name of Aurelio Voltaire, he released an extended version of the song titled Cantina (BiTrektual Version) on his 2012 album, BiTrektual. If I ran a game store I might play the original version of the song because the extended 7 ½ minute version is a bit too long for one joke.

Cantina on Google Play

Cantina (BiTrektual Version) on Google Play

Reprehensible

If I ran a game store I might play the song Reprehensible by They Might Be Giants, it's iffy.

The They Might Be Giants catalog is challenging for me to decide. They make wonderfully geeky music that flirts with hipster music and they make wonderful hipster music that flirts with geeky music. The challenge is in deciding which of their songs are geeky enough that they should be played in a game store. To make this task harder for myself Reprehensible is my favorite of all their music, so I struggle with bias on it. I would play it in my imaginary game store as a guilty pleasure, but I don't know if it needs to be played in actual brick and mortars to inculcate geek culture.

Reprehensible is one of the lesser known TMBG tunes. It's about a fellow bent on evil all day long, who is haunted at bedtime by his past of evil deeds spread over many lifetimes. Gamers love evil when it is framed properly and Reprehensible puts an appealing, whimsical frame on it.

Reprehensible was released on They Might Be Giant's 1999 album, Long Tall Weekend, and re-released on their 2002 album of rarities, They Got Lost.

Reprehensible on Google Play

Mr. Tea

If I ran a game store I might play the song Mr. Tea by Peelander-Z, it's iffy.

On paper, Peelander-Z looks like a band that gamers should adore: they're a group of Japanese ex-pats who met and formed a band in New York describing themselves as a "Japanese Action Comic Punk band hailing from the Z area of Planet Peelander". Their whole act is cosplay and music and whimsy. Their music is loud and brash with hard to understand accents and sometimes the music itself isn't very good. Some of their stuff is punk in a bad way. I don't think a game store can just belt out a full Peelander-Z album. They have gems on each of their albums, though – songs that a game store can play. The elements that make their music a challenge are sometimes put aside, lessened, or heightened to create a song that has easier appeal. Mr. Tea is one of those songs. It begins with dialogue between Captain Yellow and a robot named Pichigo with the dialogue punctuated by spitting and yelling. Captain Yellow gets served a drink he abhors – coffee – and educates Pichigo that his real love is tea; he loves it so much that he's called "Mr. Tea". The entirety of the song is Captain Yellow singing about his love of tea. The music is a nice rockabilly beat with a punk vibe. It's a very listenable and catchy tune and the chorus of "hey, hey, I am Mr. Tea" can stick with you longer than you'd expect.

Mr. Tea is from Peelander-Z's 2012 album, SpaceVacation. There is a second version of the song that does away with Pichigo and Captain Yellow's preamble. They're both from the same album so it seems that the source from where you stream the song makes the difference.

Mr. Tea on Bandcamp (with preamble)