Cantina

If I ran a game store I might play the song Cantina by Voltaire, it's iffy.

What if the Mos Eisley Cantina was really a gay bar? And what if the patrons there were rough in the sack? That's the subject about which Voltaire sings in his Cantina. He plays the song as a western honky-tonk and at first it plays like an actual western tune about Star Wars, but when Cantina gets to the twist the song gets wrong. The lyrics get into Han and Chewie and Greedo and more taking turns with Luke, having their way with him. There's an extended version of the song that adds others to the list of bodies coming at him. The song was done in jest and it plays as crude humor, but offense is in the ear of the listener and I can see where clientele might not appreciate the song as humor. Cantina uses the word "homo" and claims that Luke has lost his manhood for the acts performed on him, but it also has him enjoying himself and wanting more. Listening to Voltaire's larger body of work you grasp that he goes for bawdy, NSFW humor and in that context this song doesn't seem so offensive. However, you can see where this one is iffy regardless, and maybe it's a solid "nope" and my sensibilities are askew. There is definitely a difference in the humor of Cantina and Suds Me Up, Sulu, where the former is iffy and the latter is a definite play in my fictional game store.

Cantina is from Voltaire's 2007 album, Ooky Spooky. Using his more recent performing name of Aurelio Voltaire, he released an extended version of the song titled Cantina (BiTrektual Version) on his 2012 album, BiTrektual. If I ran a game store I might play the original version of the song because the extended 7 ½ minute version is a bit too long for one joke.

Cantina on Google Play

Cantina (BiTrektual Version) on Google Play



Cantina lyrics (original version)

Well I went down to Mos Eisley for a converter
Hell you know how hot it gets on Tatooine
Well then I saw that there cantina
I'll go in for an Orangina
I heard it was rough, but how bad could it be?

Well I walked through the door and the music stopped dead, gulp
All manner of men and beasts were staring at me
Seems just one week before
Their Twi'lek slave girl walked out the door
And I guess I was the next best thing they'd seen

I lost more than my heart in that cantina
I left my manhood there on Tatooine
Son, it don't mean you're weak
If you turn the other cheek
But if you spread 'em both for Jabba, son, you ain't a man

I was hit over the head by ol' Han Solo
I'd have never guessed that pirate was a homo
I woke up next to Chewbacca
I was smeared in Wookiee ca-ca
And what they did to my poor nipples was a no-no

Oh Greedo greedily grabbed his green weenie
And he yanked that sucker 'til it wasn't so teeny
He pulled me into Jabba's hut
He stared intently at my butt
And then he oo-ta-too-ta'ed me with his zucchini

I lost more than my heart in that Cantina
I left my manhood there on Tatooine
Son, it don't mean you're weak
If you turn the other cheek
But if you spread 'em both for Jabba, son, you ain't a man

Well the guy walked up and said, "My friend doesn't like you"
I said, "Sorry"
He said "I don't like you either, you better watch yourself"
I think his name was Tom Waits
Then some old dude who taught Vader
Chopped his arm off with a saber
That later made for one red hot anal invader
Ow

I was broken on the floor, beat to a stupor
Then I was saved; there at the door were ten stormtroopers
But then my hope faded away
I didn't know they cloned 'em gay
And they each took turns stormtroopin' me in the pooper

I lost more than my heart in that Cantina
I left my manhood there on Tatooine
Son, it don't mean you're weak
If you turn the other cheek
Which is why I still go there every week