Fred the Ranger

If I ran a game store I would play the song Fred the Ranger by Dan Marcotte.

We've all seen bits on TV of campy, medieval king's courts where there is a jester and a minstrel. The jester fails to get a laugh and is dismissed, so the king calls for music. The lute and/or recorder strikes up a tune as the scene changes to another camera, this time showing characters in conversation, and the music fades into the background. The music in that scene is akin to what Dan Marcotte plays, only he laces his with lyrics about modern and geeky subjects. In Fred the Ranger, he strums his guitar and sings about D&D-styled rangers while a recorder and drum round out the accompaniment. The song belongs in both game stores and around campfires, and the guy singing it needs a plume in his hat. The song follows Fred from a young age until his retirement, recounting his favored enemies and some of his more memorable kills. Alas, it also follows Fred out of his retirement in a verse that serves as a warning to all role-players: do not overestimate your character.

Fred the Ranger was released on Dan Marcotte's 2009 album, Manticores and Owlbears.

Fred the Ranger on Google Play

Fred the Ranger lyrics

Fred the Ranger of the wood
Did the best that he ere could
To keep the forests safe and well
Nasty monsters he did quell
When Fred was young he learned the trade
Of forest animal first aid
He loved the woods, he loved his work
Most of all he hated orcs
He hated orcs with passion fierce
And sought them ere their hearts to pierce
Throats to choke and legs to break
He liked to drown them in the lake
Rangers love the wood so green
But keep their swords and axes keen
For monsters whom they hate the most
Great hatred for them they will boast

When Fred was older he did find
That he could choose more than one kind
Of monster in the forest glen
So he chose the giant-kin
He found this fun and challenging
To slice a giant's hammy-strings
Dancing on their chests with grace
While twanging arrows in their face
He loved to trick the ogre so
To chase him down a grassy row
To fall into the traps he made
Pits with spikes and poison blades
He loved to set a troll afire
And use the corpse's burning pyre
Marshmallows and meat to roast
These were the monsters he hated most

Now Fred's retired from his work
Still hating giant-kin and orcs
But lately thought of one more foe
For which he'd seek some toe to toe
Why he chose undead to hate
We'll never know, he tempted fate
He lured a lich into the woods
And drew his swords and valiantly stood
The lich, amused, released a smile
And summoned magic dark and vile
Blasted Fred with a meteor swarm
Alas and alack, Fred is no more
If ye be a ranger skilled
Please listen well for Fred was killed
If your choice of foe is a lich
Life will soon be a son of a

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