Don't Go Drinking with Hobbits

If I ran a game store I would play the song Don't Go Drinking with Hobbits by Marc Gunn.

Of all the races in Middle Earth which one holds their liquor the best? It's a well known fact that man is the lightest of the lightweights when you compare the races. Marc Gunn reminds us what a bad idea it is for us humans to share pints with the halfling people in Don't Go Drinking with Hobbits. In his customary fashion, Marc plays the autoharp while melodically singing his poetry so the song sounds like something you'd hear at a Ren Faire. That's a selling point, though, because this song is of a jovial night in a Hobbiton watering hole and Ren Faire music is what you expect is played there.

Don't Go Drinking with Hobbits was inspired by real life events. As the story goes, Marc was at a 2004 convention and went drinking with the people behind a hobbit fan fiction website and he was left in a horrible booze haze for the rest of the con. He posted the lyrics for the song on his blog in 2007 and released the recorded song on his 2008 album, What Color is Your Dragon?. He later released the song on The FuMP and on his 2011 album, titled Don't Go Drinking with Hobbits.

Don't Go Drinking with Hobbits on Google Play

307 Ale

If I ran a game store I would play the song 307 Ale by Tom Smith.

Someday man will venture into the vastness of outer space and visit foreign planets, mingle with alien races, and consume extra-terrestrial booze. Tom Smith puts forward the opinion that even when those days are at hand, the finest intoxicant will still be a terrestrial sort, created in a lab, using means that are still beyond us in the modern day. 307 Ale is a rollicking, banjo-led drinking song based upon a fictional spirit of the same name. It folds in science and science fiction, creating the illusion that the song is inspired by a great work of science fiction literature. In fact, the song was inspired by a Michigan license plate reading "307 ALE", though the tesseract in the song is inspired by Robert A. Heinlein's short story "--And He Built a Crooked House--". 307 Ale is sung by Tom Smith with a band of carousers joining him for the chorus and as background voices cracking wise. The song is upbeat, with a tempo that slows for emphasis but never drags. 307 Ale is both the "finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale" and the finest of all geeky drinking songs.

307 Ale was released on Tom Smith's 2001 album, Who Let Him in Here? There are many live versions available for download from Tom's Bandcamp page and to watch on YouTube. If I ran a game store I would play the 2001 album version.

307 Ale on Bandcamp

Game On

If I ran a game store I would like to play the song Game On by 3d6, but it's NSFW.

The lines don't all rhyme and they don't all have the right number of syllables and the song is a bit too loud and it's sort of offensive. That's all because 3d6 is a "nerd punk" band. They're rules breakers, not rules lawyers. Game On is their ode to D&D. It's about a guy and his girlfriend who decide to visit their favorite local game store and get in an adventure. The guy has a problem with the DM, who seems to be favoring the other PCs and his own NPCs, so the guy goes outside and cuts the brakes on the DM's car. Even if this song were SFW it would still go on the IFFY list because it's messed up. The voice of the song is rather impatient and sounds angry, and who wants to game while listening to that? I might. I listen to this song while I drive and I enjoy its hectic pace.

I get the feeling that the guys in 3d6 - Dave, Anthony, and Rudy - were all delinquents. I envision them at 13-years-old, watching ThunderCats on the patio where they're allowed to smoke and curse at Lion-O. They probably game with half-melted minis because they like to destroy stuff. They're dice throwers for sure. Maybe I'm wrong, but their music makes me think this.

Game On is from 3d6's 2011 album, Damage.

Game On on Google Play

Christmas Island

If I ran a game store I would play the song Christmas Island by LAKE.

Christmas Island is the ending credits song to Cartoon Network's immensely popular TV show, Adventure Time. The song is performed by an indie-hipster waif band from the Pacific Northwest and it sounds every bit of it. If the song weren't connected to the show there's no way it would be considered as a song to be played in game stores, but the cache of the show is too strong. People of all ages and fandoms are attached to Adventure Time (including me). The song has a very strong nostalgic feeling even though the show is an ongoing show. You just know that decades from now this song will still pull people back to the teen years of the century.

Christmas Island isn't the ending credits song to Cartoon Network's immensely popular TV show, Adventure Time. Instead, Island Song by Ashley Ericksson is the ending credits song. To be even more precise, an alternate lyrics version of Island Song by Ashley Ericksson is the ending credits song, but this version has never been released for sale or download. The only way to get the actual ending credits version with its alternate lyrics is to rip the song from Adventure Time DVDs or YouTube videos* or otherwise pirate it. Ashley Ericksson is a founding member of LAKE. Island Song and Christmas Island are the same song (slightly different lyrics), but Island Song is her solo career version and Christmas Island is her band career version. Island Song was never released for sale or download. Christmas Island was relased on LAKE's 2009 album, Let's Build a Roof. If I ran a game store I would play Christmas Island by LAKE and let the fans scratch their heads when the song sings about "a place beside the sea" instead of about "the butterflies and bees". For me, the hassle of getting a high bit-rate mp3 of the song used in the show is a barrier.

* The full version of the song is not played in broadcast or streaming episodes of Adventure Time. Only the DVDs play the song in its entirety.

Christmas Time on Google Play

Here's a YouTube video of the alternate lyrics version of Island Song by Ashley Ericksson as used in the closing credits of Adventure Time:

Godzilla

If I ran a game store I would play the song Godzilla by Blue Öyster Cult.

There is definitely room in my fictional game store for some classic rock and Blue Öyster Cult has just the song. Godzilla is about the titular King of Monsters himself. The song is rather sparse on lyrics but what you do get is a few iconic scene descriptions and a chant for Godzilla to depart the city. Just like the original Gojira movie was a warning about the perils of atomic weapons, so too does the song Godzilla close with a warning about the "folly of men". The song is a classic for good reason.

Godzilla was originally released on Blue Öyster Cult's 1977 album, Spectres. It has since been re-released on greatest hits albums and included in soundtracks and other music compilations.

Godzilla on Google Play

Peter Gunn Theme

If I ran a game shop I would play the song Peter Gunn Theme by The Blues Brothers Band.

I don't think there are too many game store denizens that remember the 1950s TV show Peter Gunn, but there is certainly a generation of gamers that remember the song from the arcade game Spy Hunter and The Blues Brothers soundtrack. The song very nearly defines spycraft. It has been covered, knocked off, and sampled to ingrain it into the landscape of spy tropes.

The Peter Gunn Theme is unusual because it's all one chord, with an instantly recognizable bass ostinato that plays unchanging throughout the entire song. The original version was composed by Henry Mancini. It was released on his 1959 album, The Music from Peter Gunn. That album won Mancini two 1959 Grammy Awards, for "Album of the Year" and "Best Arrangement". In 2010 the Library of Congress added the album to the National Recording Registry as being "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant." The song also garnered him with a 1959 Primetime Emmy Award nomination in the category of "Best Musical Contribution to a Television Program".

The Blues Brothers Band version was released on the 1980 album, The Blues Brothers: Music from the Soundtrack. It is a very clean recording, true to the original but adding weight in the right places. This version doesn't evoke a black and white TV serial but instead insists on a 1970s muscle car cruising the shadows at night. It's less gentleman spy and more rogue cop with a bad attitude and an over-sized pistol. Or maybe it's about two greasy, criminal brothers who try to project cool through their Ray Bans.

Peter Gunn Theme on Google Play

Reprehensible

If I ran a game store I might play the song Reprehensible by They Might Be Giants, it's iffy.

The They Might Be Giants catalog is challenging for me to decide. They make wonderfully geeky music that flirts with hipster music and they make wonderful hipster music that flirts with geeky music. The challenge is in deciding which of their songs are geeky enough that they should be played in a game store. To make this task harder for myself Reprehensible is my favorite of all their music, so I struggle with bias on it. I would play it in my imaginary game store as a guilty pleasure, but I don't know if it needs to be played in actual brick and mortars to inculcate geek culture.

Reprehensible is one of the lesser known TMBG tunes. It's about a fellow bent on evil all day long, who is haunted at bedtime by his past of evil deeds spread over many lifetimes. Gamers love evil when it is framed properly and Reprehensible puts an appealing, whimsical frame on it.

Reprehensible was released on They Might Be Giant's 1999 album, Long Tall Weekend, and re-released on their 2002 album of rarities, They Got Lost.

Reprehensible on Google Play

Suds Me Up, Sulu

If I ran a game store I would play the song Suds Me Up, Sulu by Warp 11.

There are very few homoerotic bath-side rock ballads suitable for playing in a game store, but Suds Me Up, Sulu is one of them. In it, Warp 11 plays their guitars gingerly trying to lure Star Trek's Mr. Sulu into a naughty bathtub encounter. The song is played for laughs with lyrics full of filthy puns. You can almost hear George Takei ejaculating his catchphrase "Oh my!" Don't worry, the song doesn't run into foul language. This one is sure to get laughter and groans from patrons in my fictional game store.

Suds Me Up, Sulu is from Warp 11's 2002 album, Red Alert.

Suds Me Up, Sulu on CDBaby

Hoodie Ninja

If I ran a game store I would play the song Hoodie Ninja by mc chris.

You might have heard this song in a Honda commercial or on America's Funniest Home Videos. mc chris is a founder of nerdcore rap and the most successful artist of the genre to date, with this song breaking into mainstream. Hoodie Ninja follows a mischievous juvenile dressed in a black hoodie and his black church pants as he goes on two capers: peeping into a girl's window and pranking his gym teacher. The song moves along so quickly that you're forgiven if you miss the story and only hear the words that jump into your ear, like "ninja", "Barnum Bailey", "ninja", "Banksy", "ninja", and "Mount Doom". Listening to it, it's obvious why it met mainstream success. I think it should meet game store success too. I'd play it.

Hoodie Ninja was released on mc chris's 2008 album, mc chris is dead.

Hoodie Ninja on Google Play

I Had a Shoggoth

If I ran a game store I would play I Had a Shoggoth by Tom Smith.

If you've never heard of a shoggoth then make your way to the Horror / H.P. Lovecraft section of your game store and dig around in the Call of Cthulhu RPG books*. Better yet, get a Keeper (game master) to run you through a few CoC RPG scenarios and then you'll really be on board with I Had a Shoggoth.

I Had a Shoggoth is a parody of the traditional children's song I Had a Cat. It's a filk song performed by Tom with only a banjo and his voice. The song is of the repeating-and-building-chorus type, with each repeat of the chorus adding in some new being from literature, TV, or movies. The jokes change as the song progresses. For this reason, Tom Smith himself prefers people to listen to the song before reading the lyrics.

There are two versions of the song available, with the dialogue from the characters being what varies. The first release of the song was on The FuMP in April 2008, followed by release on their album, The FuMP Volume 8. Tom Smith released a 2009 album, titled More Than FuMP: Songs of The FuMP, Vol. 2, that contains the second version of the song. Tom Smith performs live at conventions all across the country and he's recorded and released albums from many of his shows. There are many live versions of I Had a Shoggoth available on his "live shows" page as well.

If I ran a game store I would play the version from The Fump.

I Had a Shoggoth (version 1) on the FuMP

I Had a Shoggoth (version 2) on Bandcamp

* Or get yourself a copy of the H.P. Lovecraft's short story, The Call of Cthulhu.

Chewbacca

If I ran a game store I would play Chewbacca by Supernova.

There's a lot to love about this song: it's about Chewbacca, it was featured in the movie Clerks, and it has the voices of Chewbacca and Jabba the Hutt. The song has a very distinct guitar riff that powers it. The vocals are few, primarily being guys yelling "Chewbacca" or "Chewie" with Chewbacca yelling between lyrics. The song opens and closes with Jabba talking smack. That's the song. It's over quickly, but it's a fun ride. Depending upon your age you'll like it because of Star Wars or you like it because of Star Wars and Clerks.

There are at least two different versions of the song available, with slightly different lyrics. The soundtrack version has band members doing the voices of Jabba, Chewie, and Han. It opens with a direct Jabba quote and closes with something that sounds very Jabba-esque, but is not actual Huttese. This version was released on the 1994 album, Clerks: Music from the Motion Picture. Depending upon the source you use this song might have a preamble of Randal and Dante (from Clerks) discussing Star Wars.

The album version is a better-sounding recording. It opens and closes with a direct soundbite from Return of the Jedi, with Jabba stating both times "At last we have the mighty Chewbacca." It also features a soundbite of Han Solo from the same film, and maybe - it's hard for my ears to distinguish - soundbites of Chewbacca yelling. This version is from Supernova's 2000 album, Pop as a Weapon.

If I ran a game store I would play the soundtrack version.

Chewbacca (soundtrack version) on Google Play

Chewbacca (album version) on Google Play

Super Powers

If I ran a game store I would play the song Super Powers by Ookla the Mok.

We're all familiar with the origin stories of the A-list superheroes. Here's Ookla the Mok having some fun poking at those origin stories. Super Powers is a rock tune that rattles off origin after origin, teasing superheroes for how they receive(d) their powers. It dogs them for their apparel and crime-fighting tools of the trade. It also provides the first team-up for the heroes that appear to be minted in the first half of the song. Super Powers is a good one to play in a game store, at a comic shop, or in line for a superhero movie. And with the current crush of superhero movies it's a song that a lot of people can enjoy - this one's not just for geeks.

Super Powers is from Ookla the Mok's 1998 album, Super Secret.

Super Powers on Google Play

Arthur Curry

If I ran a game store I would play the song Arthur Curry by Ookla the Mok.

Aquaman gets no love. His superpowers are misunderstood and people joke about them. He can't fly. His costume is dated. He was shirked by Wonder Woman. No one wants to make a TV show, movie, or song about him. Enter Ookla the Mok. They made Arthur Curry – a song about Aquaman complaining about how he gets no love. It's a fast-paced rock tune with a chorus featuring Aquaman telling everyone to step off. The song is post-Crisis and pre-New 52, so its information is dated – check out 10 Reasons Aquaman is a Badass – but the song is fun and really fits the memories of people who grew up with the Super Friends and stopped reading comics as they aged.

Arthur Curry is from Ookla the Mok's 1997 album, Less Than Art. They have a second version of the song, Arthur Curry 2007, on the same album.

Arthur Curry on Google Play

Peter Parker

If I ran a game store I would play the song Peter Parker by the great Luke Ski.

While Sony Pictures was producing the movie Spider-Man, the great Luke Ski was producing the song Peter Parker. Spider-Man was released in theaters on May 3, 2002 and was the biggest movie of the year. Peter Parker was first played on the Dr. Demento Show on May 5, 2002 and was the show's most requested song of the year.

Peter Parker is a parody of Run-D.M.C.'s Peter Piper performed by Luke Ski and Devo Spice. It's a hip-hop song that nostalgically samples the theme song to the 1967 Spider-Man cartoon series. The song broadly tells the tale of Peter Parker's life and the villains he faces. It also outlines a number of other Marvel superheroes but ranks Spider-Man above them for greatness. It's a fun song for the lyrics Luke Ski wrote and the song he parodies, but his sampling really make the song what it is. Rather than going on about Sam Raimi's movie, Luke Ski looked to an early version of Spider-Man. This gives the song a longer shelf life and makes it accessible to a generation familiar with that version of the web head - even the first time you hear it you will know some of the lyrics. Peter Parker was released on the great Luke Ski’s 2002 album, Uber Geek.

Peter Parker on Bandcamp

Skullcrusher Mountain

If I ran a game store I would play Skullcrusher Mountain by Jonathan Coulton.

Every evil genius has their hidden lair full of scientific crimes against the animal kingdom and with a private army eager to destroy the world. There are memes built upon memes when it comes to the global supervillain character and their love interest. Jonathan Coulton takes a fresh approach by going inside the villain's brain while taking the target of his affections on a tour of Skullcrusher Mountain and surfacing his insecurities. The song is a folksy rock/country tune sung very mellow. The juxtaposition of singing a song of menace in a calm, easy-to-relate-to tone is a hallmark of Coulton, who uses it in a few of his songs for effect. He sings this one so calm that the word "yet" almost doesn't make it from the lyric sheet to the vocal track, giving the feeling that her expiration might be sooner than the villain can control.

Skullcrusher Mountain was originally written to be included as part of a lecture series in 2003. It wasn't until October 2004 that it was available on an album, Jonathan Coulton's Where Tradition Meets Tomorrow.

Skullcrusher Mountain on Google Play

Pencil Neck Geek

If I ran a game store I would play the song Pencil Neck Geek by Fred Blassie.

"Pencil neck geek" was the nickname that old time pro wrestler "Classy" Freddie Blassie festooned upon his opponents. The song was drafted by some musician friends who coerced him into a recording booth and told him he didn't have to sing, that he could just speak the lines. The result is the classic Pencil Neck Geek, released in 1976 and made famous by play on the Dr. Demento show. In the song, Blassie paints a picture of a town plagued by geeks that seem to multiply without reason and bring ill fate wherever they roam. He uses the plague as an excuse to hurl two fistfuls of insults at geeks everywhere. The song is novelty from beginning to end based upon the language, the subject, the singing style, and the instrumentation (wrestling manager Johnny Legend plays the harmonica on it!). It plays a little like a country or folksy ballad. As the title of "geek" was transferred from actual geeks to those who can pass as normal and eventually to those who can pass as cool the word as an insult has been lost. The word "geek" has been empowered now, which makes Blassie's use so much the better. The nice thing about gamers is that there is a cultural memory of the word as a weapon and Pencil Neck Geek is a fun reminder of where the word started.

Pencil Neck Geek was released on an a 7" vinyl album in 1976, titled Nothin' But a Pencil Neck Geek. The A-side has both No Bout Adoubt It and Blassie, King of Men and the B-side has both U.S. Male and Pencil Neck Geek. The song was included on a 1983 album entitled I Bite the Songs, and has been included on Dr. Demento compilation albums.

Viva Del Santo!

If I ran game store I would play the song Viva Del Santo! By Southern Culture on the Skids.

Santo is a champion luchador wrestler, a masked super hero, a secret agent, movie star, fashion icon and sex symbol – and Viva Del Santo! is a song about him. Southern Culture on the Skids actually released an entire EP devoted to the star named Santo Swings. This song is mostly musical. It starts with a slow prose describing the exciting life Santo leads, then someone yells "Viva de los Santo" and the song kicks into high gear. It's a rockabilly surf tune full of grito Mexicano, trumpets, a lady cheering "go, go Santo," and a wrestling ring bell. There are few lyrics in this song and those that do exist mix with the beat and the sound effects to create the illusion of a superhero wrestler living life in the fast lane. The other songs on the album do an incomplete job of capturing the spirit of Santo and while they are enjoyable they do not need to be played in my fictional game store.

Viva Del Santo! was released on the album, Santo Swings. Santo Swings was released in 1992 on one label and again in 1996 on a new label.

Vive Del Santo! on Google Play

This video is of the entire 18 minute EP. Viva Del Santo! is the first song played and lasts until the 3:50 mark,

Rocket & Groot

If I ran a game store I would play Rocket & Groot by Insane Ian.

Songs about Guardians of the Galaxy are in short supply, but since the release of the movie artists have been hard at work trying to meet the demand. One of the first songs that they naturally chose to parody is Rocky Raccoon by The Beatles, seeing as how the song was the inspiration for Rocket Raccoon's name. In this age of YouTube and internet stardom there is a competition among artists towards being both the first to release a song and to have the best song. With regards to Rocky Raccoon parodies Insane Ian didn't win "first" but he did win "best". The song Rocket & Groot follows the path of the movie Guardians of the Galaxy, placing the characters into their scenes from the film. It is adeptly done, keeping a close comparison to the lyrics of the source song. Rocket & Groot was released on The FuMP a couple of weeks after GotG opened. It is available on The FuMP Volume 46.

The other notable GotG song is The Ballad of Rocket Raccoon by The Super Funnies. It was released during San Diego Comic Con 2014, putting its release before the release of the movie. This is also a parody of Rocky Raccoon, but it details how Rocket joined the Guardians in the Marvel Comic Book Universe, beginning in The Incredible Hulk #271 (May 1982). Lyrically, I find this song to really be a treat, but the musical accompaniment doesn't meet my expectations. I wanted something closer to McCartney's guitar and the honky-tonk vibe of Rocky Raccoon. If I ran a comic book shop I would play The Ballad of Rocket Raccoon, but since I am running a fictional game store here I would play the version based upon the movie.

Rocket & Groot on The FuMP

The Ballad of Rocket Raccoon on Google Play

Godbomb

If I ran a game store I would play the song Godbomb by Adam WarRock.

This is an angry song, told by Thor the God of Lightning as he stands over his defeated foe, proclaiming that he is too mighty to be stopped by a punk like Gorr the God Butcher. You can hear the testosterone flowing swiftly through Thor's veins as he taunts his downed opponent and walks back to the locker room. That's the song Godbomb. It chronicles the events of Thor: God of Thunder #2 – 11 (also found in Thor: God of Thunder, Vol. 1: The God Butcher) in a nerdcore rap driven by a metal guitar lick. Adam WarRock released the song on his website in May 2013 during his "Marvel NOW! week", amid a bunch of other songs worth playing in a game store.

Godbomb on Adam WarRock's website

Talk Nerdy to Me

If I ran a game store I would play two versions of the song Talk Nerdy to Me. I would play one version by Possible Oscar and I would play the version by K-Face Rules.

Possible Oscar staked their claim in the song title first. Their version of Talk Nerdy to Me is a parody of the 1986 song Talk Dirty to Me by Poison. Possible Oscar not only parodied a twenty-year-old song, but they did it twice by releasing two versions of their take. The first version is from their 2007 album, The Wrath of Con, and they copied the sound and style of the original very tightly, so it still has some hair band vibe to it. The second version is from their 2011 album, The Long Overdue EP, and it's an acoustic version that plays very throaty and dusky. It's the better version. The lyrics are slightly dated with mentions of IRC, chat rooms, and Farscape, but it still plays well. It's a moody tune about a geeky guy courting a geeky gal over the internet and in meat space. It sounds like he might even stand a chance.

In 2013, Jason Derulo released the song Talk Dirty. The song was swiftly parodied by a handful of groups all calling their versions Talk Nerdy to Me. Most of the batch isn't designed for repeat play – some are school assignments – but there is some quality to be found here. Of the short list of good versions, the K-Face Rules version is the only one that I would play in a game store. It stands apart from the rest by using a quality recording, quality instrumentation and sound effects, and quality lyrics. It's a poppy hip-hop tune about a geeky guy courting a geeky gal by paying respect to her fandoms. The song drops a lot of the current pop geek culture names and lingo and fills in the breaks with sounds from familiar video games. While it overlaps with the Possible Oscar version in being a boy-meets-girl story, it is a different creature altogether. X Marks the Beat has reservations about putting two songs with the same name on a playlist, but listeners won't have any trouble distinguishing the two songs.  K-Face Rules doesn't currently have an album or website, using YouTube to release his music instead.

For a list of other versions of Talk Nerdy to Me parodying Talk Dirty, see Gaby Dunn's article: The Battle of the "Talk Nerdy to Me" Parody Videos. 

Talk Nerdy to Me (accoustic) on Possible Oscar's site

Talk Nerdy to Me by K-Face Rules on Google Play

Electric De Chocobo

If I ran a game store I would play the song Electric De Chocobo by Careless Juja.

There are plenty of chocobo songs and there are plenty of covers of those songs, but this is the strongest version of them. The song was originally composed by Nobuo Uematsu for use in Final Fantasy II, but each version of the game includes a remix of the song set to fit a different style of music. Electric De Chocobo is the surf music version from Final Fantasy VII. In the game, the song plays whenever a chocobo is near. The Careless Juja version is so pleasing because it's a very tight cover of the original. Even fans of the Final Fantasy series who haven't heard Electric De Chocobo will be able to identify it as being a chocobo tune, which makes it a great song for all ages.

Electric De Chocobo is from Careless Juja's 2014 album, Professor Layton & the Bay Harbor Butcher.

Electric De Chocobo on Bandcamp

Yo Ho Ho

If I ran a game store I would play the song Yo Ho Ho by Captain Dan and The Scurvy Crew.

Everybody likes an occasional pirate ditty, but this isn't that. Captain Dan and The Scurvy Crew are hardcore rapping pirates. They mix modern slang with pirate slang and modern gangsta rap themes with pirate lifestyle themes to create a very unique take on both genres. Yo Ho Ho is a play on the old "yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" song we all heard back in the day, with the "yo ho ho" turned into an audience call and response. It features Captain Dan, Quarter Master Sea Dawg, and Gunner Scott Free rapping about their criminal exploits while DJ SyKo spins the beats. The song's lyrics take no prisoners, covering all of the vile behavior for which pirates are known and sung in boastful manner. The lyrics cover enough deplorable acts that the song is more of a PG-13 song, even though most listeners would be hard pressed to hear the worst of the language.

Yo Ho Ho is from Captain Dan and The Scurvy Crew's 2007 album, Rimes of the Hip-Hop Mariners. They also performed the song on the TV show America's Got Talent. It was season 7 and they didn't get past the audition phase. It's clear that Howie Mandel, Sharon Osbourne, and Howard Stern had it in for the group pretty quickly by buzzing them out and then insulting them. The band has a considerable amount of talent if you're willing to buy into their premise of being rapping pirates, though. There will be a few other songs from Captain Dan and The Scurvy Crew on X Marks the Beat in the future.

Yo Ho Ho on Bandcamp

Halloween

If I ran a game store I would play Halloween by Stephen Lynch.

I would play it every day of the year, not just seasonally. Halloween is deliciously dark and twisted. It has a perverse sense of humor and I think it's clear that it's humor, no matter how macabre. Stephen Lynch is a comedian-musician-actor. The version of the song I would play is his live version, where it's him and his guitar in front of an audience. It's from his 2005 album, The Craig Machine (don’t be put off by the cover art – it's humor not Satanism). The song hearkens back to the 1970s when stories of children receiving spiked candy or vanishing circulated widely. It is sung from the point of view of the miscreant who hurts kids. Gamers have a willingness to explore and embrace dark subject matter – witness horror games like All Flesh Must Be Eaten, Arkham Horror, Betrayal at House on the Hill, and Little Fears. The humor in Halloween should align nicely with gamers' ability to enjoy horror.

Halloween on Google Play

Teenage Creature

If I ran a game store I would play Teenage Creature by Lord Luther.

I have days when people look at me like I'm a mutant. How, then, must Lord Luther feel? It seems he's plagued with every ailment known to make someone into a monster. Teenage Creature follows the plight of a teen boy who polymorphs from one Universal Monster into another as he tries to get girls to notice him. The poor fellow can't help but belch out spooky laughs and catcalls to make him even more of a turn off. The song is a 1958 doo-wop tune sometimes credited to Lord Luther and other times credited to "Lord Luther with The King’s Men". It plays like homage to horror movies of old. The song was originally released on 45. Nowadays it's typically found on Halloween compilation albums. I think that the playfulness of the song really unshackles it from being a seasonal song. I would certainly play it year-round in my game store, if I ran a game store.

Teenage Creature on Google Play

Mysterious Mose

If I ran a game store I would play the song Mysterious Mose by R. Crumb & His Cheap Suit Serenaders.

Originally the soundtrack to a vintage Betty Boop cartoon of the same name, Mysterious Mose is an oldie but a goody. The song is about the tingle that goes up your spine when you're scared or it could be about an apparition of sorts. Honestly, the song doesn't really nail down the exact being of Mysterious Mose. The 1930 cartoon from which it sprang reveals Mose as an automaton full or gears and springs. Both the song and cartoon give examples of abilities that make it hard to imagine Mysterious Mose actually being one thing – a luxury of the imagination.

There are many versions of Mysterious Mose from which to choose. I choose the version by R. Crumb & His Cheap Suit Serenaders because once they're past the lyrics they operate like a skiffle jam band, and that's a rare sound. Mysterious Mose is from the 1976 album, R. Crumb and his Cheap Suit Serenaders No. 2, which has since been reissued as a 1993 album, Chasin' Rainbows.

Mysterious Mose on Google Play

The Blob

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Blob by The Five Blobs.

It's the title song to the 1958 film, The Blob. The film was made as a serious entry into the horror and sci-fi genres. It was received as such, but over time it has been categorized as a B-movie. Somehow when The Five Blobs made the song they knew the destiny of the film's legacy and gave it a campy romp of a title track. The song comes off like a quirky Latin tango with a short list of lyrics. The singer is actually one guy, Bernie Nee, overdubbing himself to sound like five guys and the songwriters are Burt Bacharach and Mack David. The Bacharach touch is obvious once you know it's him. The song The Blob spent three weeks in the 1958 Top 40, giving Bacharach one of his earliest hits.

The Blob on Google Play

Re: Your Brains

If I ran a game store I would play the song Re: Your Brains by Jonathan Coulton.

You don't know where you'll be when the zombie apocalypse occurs. There's every reason to believe that some of us will already be in zombie stupors at our day jobs, crossing over without noticing - except for the changes in appetite. Jonathon Coulton draws on that mindset with Re: Your Brains. It's an original rock tune played from the perspective of a zombified office guy (Bob) trying to convince his coworker (Tom), who has barricaded himself in a shopping mall, to open the door allow the zombies to feast upon his brain. Worst case of the Mondays ever.

Jonathon Coulton is a major talent in geek music, having developed a huge web following and touring as the opening act for They Might Be Giants. Re: Your Brains is likely his best known tune. It's easily one of his most played tunes at live shows. The song is attached to numerous YouTube videos with millions of views and it's been covered by other bands and covered in other languages. Basically, Re: Your Brains is a song that any geek worth their salt will recognize and it deserves to be played in game stores – it's a no brainer.

Re: Your Brains was released on Jonathan Coulton's 2006 album, Thing a Week Two.

Re: Your Brains on Jonathon Coulton's store

I'll Eat Yer Brain

If I ran a game store I would play the song I'll Eat Yer Brain by Bill Mills.

Bill Mills, showing that his finger is on the pulse of pop culture, released a zombie song that's a parody of a nearly 100-year-old song at the height of the zombie craze in 2011. A move like that takes guts. This song has guts, the kind of guts that ooze through the abdomen and onto the floor. I'll Eat Yer Brain is a filk song based upon the early 20th century folk standard "Little Liza Jane". Mr. Mills's version is told from the perspective of a zombie singing to its prey. It's a twangy song that is very near bluegrass in style. He keeps the lyrics of the verses quiet (not sure if that's on purpose or not) and brings it up for the chorus, with the effect being that it's easy to overlook this being a zombie song at first. It's not until you find yourself singing along, "Oooh, I'll eat yer, I'll eat yer brain," that you really get a taste for I'll Eat Yer Brain.

I'll Eat Yer Brain was released on the FuMP in 2011.

I'll Eat Yer Brain on the FuMP

Skeleton Cowboys

If I ran a game store I would play the song Skeleton Cowboys by Ghoultown.

Ghoultown sounds like they were inspired by the Deadlands RPG. They play gothabilly, which in this case sounds like a dark western played rockabilly style. Skeleton Cowboys has a very distinct "old west" feel to it both musically and lyrically, backed by an up tempo rhythm. The song is about a group of skeletal cowboys who ride into town with flaming eyes and blazing guns, reaping souls as they pass. How do you stop them? You don't. They'll get you with their horses' hooves or lash you with their whips. When the skeleton cowboys come a-ridin' it's best to lay low, but when Skeleton Cowboys starts playing it's best to turn it up.

Skeleton Cowboys was originally released as the A-side track on a 7" vinyl album and was later released on Ghoultown's 2012 album, The Unforgotten: Rare & Un-Released. X Marks the Beat will be visiting other songs from this album and this band in the future.

Skeleton Cowboys on Google Play

A Well-Dressed Hobbit

If I ran a game store I would play the song A Well-Dressed Hobbit by Marc Gunn.

Gamers like hobbits and gamers like lists of gear, ergo gamers like lists of hobbit gear. This is a song about a hobbit checking to make sure he's properly attired for his night at the pub. It's a filk tune played by Marc Gunn using only an autoharp and it sounds right out of the Renaissance Faire. It's also a cumulative song, meaning there's a list of items in the verse that grows one item longer every time the verse is sung. By the time the song ends it's been sped up and the list has grown so long that listeners can't keep up with singing along. A Well-Dressed Hobbit has been called the "hobbits' version"* of The Rattlin' Bog, which is a popular Irish folk tune.

A Well-Dressed Hobbit is from Marc Gunn's 2011 album, Don't Go Drinking with Hobbits. Expect more from this album to appear on X Marks the Beat.

A Well-Dressed Hobbit on Google Play

* Quote taken from The FuMP.

Hail The Chap

If I ran a game store I would play the song Hail The Chap by Mr. B the Gentlemen Rhymer.

When steampunk arrived it was accompanied by Victorian behaviors that created a dapper sub-culture. Men were sitting with straight backs, oiled mustaches, and all imaginable manners of the late 1800s. I don't know which came first, steampunk or The Chap magazine, but the two certainly leaned on each other as they developed. Hail the Chap is an ode to The Chap magazine on its tenth anniversary. The song laments the current state of gentlemanly being and implores listeners to adhere to The Chap Manifesto, which is The Chap's ten rules of conduct and attire. To the casual listener the song lays down some groundwork of steampunk, imploring men to behave, but the distinguished listener will know the song as a rally cry of The Chap – "All hail The Chap!"

Hail The Chap is of the small genre known as chap-hop. It features Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer on the banjolele and he's accompanied by a horn, piano, and drum. It has a brisk cadence, a strict syncopation and an impossible vocabulary that'll make you listen closer the next time you hear it. The whole of the song feels very steampunk despite the hip-hop elements.

Hail The Chap on Google Play

I Can Not Breathe in Your Atmosphere

If I ran a game store I would like to play the song I Can Not Breathe in Your Atmosphere by Future Folk, but it's NSFW.

Two space aliens from the planet Hondo have arrived on Earth. Their own planet has no music and no art, so the two are inspired by what they encounter on our home world. They don their space suits, grab a guitar and banjo, and form a folk music band: Future Folk. General Trius and The Mighty Kevin play songs about adapting to life on Earth or lamenting what they miss from home. Their subject matter is what makes me want to play their music for gamers – it's bluegrass sci-fi played for a smirk. Their songs are usually family-friendly, but in I Can Not Breathe in Your Atmosphere they slip in an f-bomb. In the song, the duo sings about the pleasantries of Earth but temper the good vibes by complaining about their need to keep on their space helmets.

I Can Not Breathe in Your Atmosphere is from their 2012 album, Future Folk, Vol. 1. They also have a feature length film called The History of Future Folk that gives the story for their journey to Earth and first forays into music.

I Can Not Breathe in Your Atmosphere on Google Play

Fanboy

If I ran a game store I would play Fanboy by the great Luke Ski.

My first encounter with Luke Ski was at Gen Con So Cal 2004. He was so good on stage there that I bought many of his CDs that night. Fanboy is one of the standout songs that I remember listening to on the ride home. It's a parody of Kid Rock's Cowboy. Luke Ski sings it like an anthem to fandom. It's a loud, fast hick-hop song, with a sound that really matches the breathless passion fans can achieve. It is a pop culture omnium-gatherum of lyrics. Luke Ski tosses in references to all major geek fandoms at the time – that time being 2002. Surprisingly, even over a decade later, the references really hold up for big time geeks. Star Trek, Star Wars, Futurama, Pokémon, Doctor Who, Sailor Moon, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show are all still part of the collective geek mind as I write this in 2014. Even those that aren't still dynamic properties, they were such tent poles that the older set will still catch all the references.

Fanboy is from the great Luke Ski's 2002 album, Uber Geek. There's also a revised version, titled Fanboy (2010 Edition). The music is updated in this version, but the lyrics stayed the same. I much prefer the older version of the song and if I ran a game store I would play the 2002 version of the song.

Fanboy on Bandcamp

Still a Nerd

If I ran a game store I would play Still a Nerd by Tom Smith.

Still a Nerd is another nerd anthem, like my previous post about Weird Al's White & Nerdy, but this song is softer and gentler. It's closer to the heart of a nerd and does without the juxtaposition of being a hip-hop parody. Musically, Still a Nerd is not an anthem, but lyrically it sure is. Maybe it's better to call it a love letter to nerds but I think it's too unabashed for that label. Still a Nerd is the sort of song that gets into your head as you find a quite spot to read through a D&D module. You could play it while painting minis or while you're at an empty convention table building a Magic deck. It's very much a song cut for playing in a game store.

Still a Nerd is a parody of Jonathon Coulton's Still Alive, which is a song I would play if I ran a video game store. Still Alive was used in the ending credits of the video game Portal. Tom Smith gives credit for his inspiration to Rob Balder – "His Jonathan Coulton parody 'Still Annoyed' made my brain form the phrase 'Still A Nerd'. That's pretty much it." Still a Nerd was released in 2008 on The FuMP.

Still a Nerd on The FuMP

White & Nerdy

If I ran a game store I would play White & Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic.

Weird Al has always been connected to geeks and nerds, but White & Nerdy pushed that connection over the top. While Al had previously sung about geeky topics like Star Wars, Pentium microprocessors, and TV quiz show Jeopardy, none of these songs (which X Marks the Spot will cover) were nerd anthems. White & Nerdy is very much a nerd anthem. Being a parody of hip-hop song Ridin' by Chamillionaire and Krayzie Bone, it has the ability to be played with the car windows down and the volume up. The song very much embraces and teases those with nerdy pursuits and it gently jabs those nerds who enjoy emulating gangster culture (I'm seeing Kipling Dynamite in my head). Weird Al wrote a heat-seeking missile aimed at game store speakers - it's almost embarrassing that games stores don't play this song. White & Nerdy is Weird Al Yankovic's biggest hit single to date, peaking at #9 on Billboard Hot 100 in 2006.

White & Nerdy on Google Play

Mr. Tea

If I ran a game store I might play the song Mr. Tea by Peelander-Z, it's iffy.

On paper, Peelander-Z looks like a band that gamers should adore: they're a group of Japanese ex-pats who met and formed a band in New York describing themselves as a "Japanese Action Comic Punk band hailing from the Z area of Planet Peelander". Their whole act is cosplay and music and whimsy. Their music is loud and brash with hard to understand accents and sometimes the music itself isn't very good. Some of their stuff is punk in a bad way. I don't think a game store can just belt out a full Peelander-Z album. They have gems on each of their albums, though – songs that a game store can play. The elements that make their music a challenge are sometimes put aside, lessened, or heightened to create a song that has easier appeal. Mr. Tea is one of those songs. It begins with dialogue between Captain Yellow and a robot named Pichigo with the dialogue punctuated by spitting and yelling. Captain Yellow gets served a drink he abhors – coffee – and educates Pichigo that his real love is tea; he loves it so much that he's called "Mr. Tea". The entirety of the song is Captain Yellow singing about his love of tea. The music is a nice rockabilly beat with a punk vibe. It's a very listenable and catchy tune and the chorus of "hey, hey, I am Mr. Tea" can stick with you longer than you'd expect.

Mr. Tea is from Peelander-Z's 2012 album, SpaceVacation. There is a second version of the song that does away with Pichigo and Captain Yellow's preamble. They're both from the same album so it seems that the source from where you stream the song makes the difference.

Mr. Tea on Bandcamp (with preamble)

Duet with a Klingon

If I ran a game store I would play the song Duet with a Klingon by Carla Ulbrich.

Duet with a Klingon is a parody of George Gershwin's classic Let's Call the Whole Thing Off, but instead of two people bickering about pronunciation it's sung by an Earthling and a Klingon facing a language barrier. The song works because it's a wry twist on something classic. It feels like Ulbrich is sneaking around the museum, hanging mustaches on all the statues. The song is fun, it's geeky, and the Klingon language is pretty solid. There are some purposeful errors in the translation, though, because when the song was written not all the proper translations could be made (i.e. the word "banana" didn't exist in Klingon at the time).

The song was written by Carla Ulbrich. It was released as both a live version and studio version on her 2009 album, Live from Outer Space. There are many live performances of the song on YouTube as well. I prefer the studio version. Carla Ulbrich sings the part of the human and her husband, Joe Giacoio, sings the part of the Klingon.

Duet with a Klingon (studio version) on CDBaby

Lizard and Fish

If I ran a game store I would play the song Lizard and Fish by Logan Whitehurst and the Junior Science Club.

If I ran a pet store I would play the same song since the song is about a lizard and a fish on a pet store shelf dreaming of the wide world. Well, maybe not since the song gets a bit tragic. The daydreams of Lizard and Fish are cut short when a fire erupts and sends a panic through the shop. Roaring flames and clouds of smoke imperil Lizard and Fish, when suddenly, just like in the film Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Pee-Wee Herman strides in to carry all to safety.

Lizard and Fish is from Logan Whitehurst and the Junior Science Club 2003 album Goodbye My 4-Track – an album that I have heard Dr. Demento describe as "the Sergeant Peppers of comedy music"* and that I will be citing later on X Marks the Beat. A lot of Whitehurst's music is compared to They Might Be Giants and Flight ofthe Conchords. I think this one has a little Randy Newman in it. Lizard and Fish is a stroll along a piano keyboard with an accompanying clarinet, some broken meter on lyrics, and one of the best committed gags with Fish's voice.

* Spoken at an event on August 30, 2014 at Cinefamily/Silent Movie Theater in Los Angeles

Lizard and Fish on CDBaby

Pirates vs Ninjas

If I ran a game store I would play the song Pirates vs Ninjas by Raptors Away!.

Pirates vs Ninjas is a guitar-driven, hoarse-throated, crossover thrash tune. Musically it's a little heavy for a game store, but the subject matter makes the song a must-play. The song is about the obvious: a fantasy battle to the death between pirates and ninjas.

It's an established fact that if pirates and ninjas fought that the pirates would win, duh. Yet when Raptors Away! recorded Pirates vs Ninjas they recorded the song with two endings – one describing pirate victory and one describing ninja victory. When the band performed the song live they would poll the audience who would win and play the ending to match. Ideally, both versions of the song will be on my game store's playlist and the playlist will be set to shuffle.

Raptors Away! was a garage band that never really got anywhere. They peaked by getting on the same line-up as The Great Lukeski, Warp 11, and The Phenomenauts at Gen Con So Cal 2004 gaming convention (all these bands will be covered by X Marks the Beat). Dr. Demento was in the audience that night (so was I – the audience voted for pirates) and Raptors Away! was interviewed by Attack of the Show. The band produced a five-song CD for sale at the convention and in 2005 they produced a second CD titled There's One in Every Crowd. They eventually combined both CDs onto a single album titled Rise of the Phoenix. Pirates vs Ninjas was originally titled PvN and was released on There's One in Every Crowd. The name was changed to avoid confusion with PvA (Predators vs Aliens).

Pirates vs Ninjas (pirate victory) on CDBaby

Pirates vs Ninjas (ninja victory) on CDBaby

For the Benefit of Mankind

If I ran a game store I would play the song For the Benefit of Mankind by The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.

"Meanwhile, beneath a bench in the laboratory their lurked a man whose body language openly displayed a larger than average carbon footprint. He was dressed in a white coat and strapped to a portable xylophone. Dot, dot, dot."

The quoted prose really explains For the Benefit of Mankind quite nicely: the man in the white coat sings about his scientific accomplishments while playing the xylophone. It's a kooky song with a kooky sound sung by a guy with a kooky accent who uses kooky words. There's a strong Gilbert and Sullivan vibe here. Quite honestly, this is such a fun song that I put it on most all of my playlists and not just the ones I'd play if I ran a game store (although gamers have a thing for mad science).

The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band is a 1960s English band that have played off and on over the decades. For the Benefit of Mankind is from their 2007 album, Pour l'Amour des Chiens, although there are hints than an earlier version with one less verse exists.

Note: "aubergine" is a British term for an eggplant.

I was unable to find a streaming version of the song to link.

Hulkulele

If I ran a game store I would play the song Hulkulele by Nuclear Bubble Wrap.

Most people don't know that The Incredible Hulk wants to spend some quality time with a ukulele. Nuclear Bubble Wrap knows and they wrote a song about it. The tune follows Hulk as he tries to fulfill his goal, and throughout he is thwarted by his own size and the jibes of Spider-Man and Wolverine. There's a bit of sulky Hulk in the lyrics but the green guy does okay in the end.

Hulkulele is a gentle tune led by a keyboard in steel drum mode, highlighted with ukulele riffs, and possessing a hint of Caribbean sound. As told by NBW's Jace, "one of my roommates has a pair of Hulk hands. Another one has a ukulele. Somehow that led to this song existing."

The current version of the song was released in February 2012 as a sort of pre-release version. Jace stated on WeirdAlForum.com that the song was due for a "drastic overhaul" to "make it sound a lot more like a reggae song" in an effort to match the tone of then-upcoming album Psycho Delicacy. Instead the song was released unchanged on the Abracadaver EP in April 2012.

Hulkulele on The FuMP