Cantina

If I ran a game store I might play the song Cantina by Voltaire, it's iffy.

What if the Mos Eisley Cantina was really a gay bar? And what if the patrons there were rough in the sack? That's the subject about which Voltaire sings in his Cantina. He plays the song as a western honky-tonk and at first it plays like an actual western tune about Star Wars, but when Cantina gets to the twist the song gets wrong. The lyrics get into Han and Chewie and Greedo and more taking turns with Luke, having their way with him. There's an extended version of the song that adds others to the list of bodies coming at him. The song was done in jest and it plays as crude humor, but offense is in the ear of the listener and I can see where clientele might not appreciate the song as humor. Cantina uses the word "homo" and claims that Luke has lost his manhood for the acts performed on him, but it also has him enjoying himself and wanting more. Listening to Voltaire's larger body of work you grasp that he goes for bawdy, NSFW humor and in that context this song doesn't seem so offensive. However, you can see where this one is iffy regardless, and maybe it's a solid "nope" and my sensibilities are askew. There is definitely a difference in the humor of Cantina and Suds Me Up, Sulu, where the former is iffy and the latter is a definite play in my fictional game store.

Cantina is from Voltaire's 2007 album, Ooky Spooky. Using his more recent performing name of Aurelio Voltaire, he released an extended version of the song titled Cantina (BiTrektual Version) on his 2012 album, BiTrektual. If I ran a game store I might play the original version of the song because the extended 7 ½ minute version is a bit too long for one joke.

Cantina on Google Play

Cantina (BiTrektual Version) on Google Play

D&D

If I ran a game store I would play the song D&D by SJ Tucker.

If I ran a game store I would make a point to play this song daily. This song is about gamers clocking out of work and gathering at their favorite local game store to play Dungeons and Dragons. It doesn't get more on theme than that for this blog. SJ Tucker and her guitar play a loving and gentle tribute to the grand ol' game of D&D. She doesn't lament dice rolls or dungeon masters, nor rules lawyers nor muchkins. Instead, she croons about the pleasure of pretending with friends and the camaraderie that role-playing games provide. I interpret this song as an ode to the entire hobby of adventure gaming.

D&D is a parody of the song The Napoli by Show of Hands (from their 2009 album, Arrogance, Ignorance & Greed). It was released on SJ Tucker's 2011 album, Mischief, as a digital-only bonus song. As such, the only place I've found to buy it is on SJ Tucker's website. There is a music video of D&D included on the 2011 DVD The Gamers: Dorkness Rising Special Edition, produced by Dead Gentlemen Productions. I've embedded the video. Note that the song is sometimes called Playing D&D, as it is in the video.

D&D on SJ Tucker's website

Screw You, DM!

If I ran a game store I would play the song Screw You, DM! by Dan Marcotte.

Dungeon Masters can be messed up. They can be stingy with loot, adhere tyrannically to dice rolls, alter the character that you've crafted, and put you into no-win situations. I don't think it's uncommon for there to be hurt feelings at the gaming table every now and then. Apparently Dan Marcotte has attended some of those gaming tables because he has released Screw You, DM! to be the song you sing as you cry in your beer. Screw You, DM! is a parody of the famous Irish folk standard Whiskey in the Jar, with Marcotte's version sounding closer to The Dubliners' 1960s version than the Metallica or Thin Lizzy covers. Marcotte performs the song in his Renaissance bardic style, complete with lute and recorder. It's song is sung from the perspective of a wronged D&D player, with examples of unfair play to which we can all relate. He made sure to add in plenty of D&D vocabulary to make it a very fitting song for my imaginary game store.

Screw You, DM! was released on Dan Marcotte's 2009 album, Manticores and Owlbears.

Screw You, DM! on Google Play

Kobolds Ate My Baby

If I ran a game store I would play the song Kobolds Ate My Baby by Mikey Mason.

If I ran a game store I would play the game Kobolds Ate My Baby by 9th Level Games. When I write about songs here at X Marks the Beat, I tend to imagine what sort of gamer the performer is. Some don't game at all and some have campaigned, but when there's a song about a game as off-beat as KAMB then I assume that's a hardcore gamer. According to the album's liner notes, Mikey started gaming with the red box D&D and used his current gaming group for background vocals on this song, so yeah.

The song Kobolds Ate My Baby is in every way about the game Kobolds Ate My Baby. It uses details from the game to really punch up the lyrics for fans. The song wants to be a hard rock song, but the humor keeps the tone from achieving "hard" and instead it parodies the style - which is also addressed in the liner notes as being one of Mikey's goals.* Kobolds Ate My Baby is from Mikey Mason's 2011 album, Impotent Nerd Rage.

* "And thank you Spinal Tap (Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer) for teaching me that it's possible to parody a genre without parodying a specific song, but still create credible, viable music. I hope I was able to do that on this album." - from Impotent Nerd Rage

Kobolds Ate My Baby on Google Play

Never Split the Party

If I ran a game store I would play the song Never Split the Party by Emerald Rose.

We've all had our reasons for parting ways in an RPG. Maybe you thought the level was cleared. Maybe the thief has a separate agenda. Maybe half the party fell to a lower level. Whatever the case, the standard Dungeons and Dragons party has been balanced to work well together and are often rubbish when missing key roles, hence these words of sage advice: never split the party. That's the takeaway from this song by Emerald Rose. Never Split the Party is a casual, folk rock song about an adventuring party that splits and suffers great woe before they can reunite. The song begins with the band members clowning around at the gaming table and all throughout the song they can be heard cracking wise behind the lyrics. The jesting captures the mood of many of the gaming tables at which I have sat and is very welcoming.

Never Split the Party is from Emerald Rose's 2007 album, Con Suite. They've been recording Celtic rock / folk and Pagan songs since 1998. Con Suite is their only album dedicated to comedy, pop culture, and gaming, but it's a winner and I will be adding another song or two from it to X Marks the Beat.

Never Split the Party on Google Play



Never Split the Party lyrics

I know I had a Dungeon Master's Screen here somewhere.
Who has my glow-in-the-dark twenty-sided?
Hey, I can't find my character sheet. Where's my character- oh, there it is.
That's my beer. You're gonna have to roll a saving throw.
It's in with the Cheetos.
If I catch someone looking at my Dungeon Master's Screen more than dice are gonna roll.
I know I gave it to somebody over here and I didn't get it back.
Roll for initiative.
I can't roll. Ew, now it's got yellow on it.

We were skulking through this dungeon, a mighty sorry lot
Old Galliard the fighter had been actin' like a sot
Our cleric had colitis, our torches all were wet
But we had to find some treasure soon to get us out of debt

All right, who had the damn lobster bisque?

So Galliard and Sonja were itchin' for a fight
They both took the left fork, while we went to the right
And that is when we heard it: the sound of rollin' dice
We wondered why we had ignored those words of sage advice

Two words: diversified portfolio

Don't you know you never split the party?
Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight

So then we heard this bellow from back around the bend
We turned around to see if there was aid that we could lend
And suddenly the corridor was covered up with orcs
We fell back in a panic, feeling like a bunch of dorks

One of my dice are cubic zirconia

The thief had pissed his leathers, our monk was turning blue
Our wizard got all flustered and he covered us with goo
The cleric swung his holy club some orcish skulls to break
We tried to dodge his back-swing as we pondered our mistake

Don't you know you never split the party?
Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight

We finally found our fighters, they were hacking at a troll
They chopped off knees and elbows but it kept on growing whole
Our wizard flung his fireball, his dice they did not fail
He torched that troll and left the fighters roasting in their mail

The cleric had his hands full, apologies were said
We swore an oath we'd stick together just like we were wed
But then we found that sneaky thief had vanished in the gloom
We caught him stuffing pockets in the secret treasure room

Heh heh, heh heh, heh heh, I'm in politics

Don't you know you never split the party?
Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight

Don't you know you never split the party?
Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief
You never let that damn thief
You never let that damn thief out of sight

Saving at minus four

Natural 20

If I ran a game store I would play the song Natural 20 by Efenwealt Wystle.

We've all been in that situation where the odds are stacked against us. The target number is either impossibly high or the dice modifiers are deep into the negatives. Often enough you need to make the roll to even survive the encounter. Yeah, it's like that. There's only one number that'll save you now: natural twenty. That's this song. It's an ode to that one face on the icosahedron that allows you to do as you please and it's the one face that the DM cannot thwart.

Natural 20 was written by Scott Vaughan who recorded the first version under his band name, The Blibbering Humdingers. It was released as a single in 2011 with the title Natural 20. Next, the song was released on The Blibbering Humdingers' 2012 album, Free Awkward Hugs, with the title Natural 20 (album remix). Then in 2014, Mikey Mason (a personal friend of Scott) recorded a much heavier version of the song on his album, dodecahedron. A month later Efenwealt Wystle released the album Holding On with a new version of the song, titled Natural 20 (living room version). Other than Mikey Mason's version, the differences between the versions are minor - the most notable difference is the prose portion of the songs. I like the living room version because it sounds like it was recorded in the Vaughan living room, which to me is a reminder that the hobby game industry was (and in many ways still is) a cottage industry started in basements, living rooms, and garages. If I ran a game store I would play the Efenwealt Wystle "living room version", although I enjoy all the versions I have heard.

M is for Magic Missile

If I ran a game store I would play the song M is for Magic Missile by Mary Crowell.

If there was a Schoolhouse Rock! crossover with Dungeons and Dragons, this song is what I imagine it would sound like. It's an A, B, Cs song sung at an adult level and with all of the letters corresponding to arcane spells in D&D. Mary Crowell plays her piano and belts out the lyrics with such style that there are times it almost feels like a Broadway show tune. You'd never think an A, B, Cs song could be so catchy. M is for Magic Missile is from Mary Crowell's 2012 album, Acolytes of the Machine & Other Gaming Stories. The song was entered into ENWorld.org's "Battle of the Bards" 2012 competition but didn't pass its heat. However, one of Mary's other songs, I Put My Low Stat, took first place in that competition.

M is for Magic Missile on Google Play

Fred the Ranger

If I ran a game store I would play the song Fred the Ranger by Dan Marcotte.

We've all seen bits on TV of campy, medieval king's courts where there is a jester and a minstrel. The jester fails to get a laugh and is dismissed, so the king calls for music. The lute and/or recorder strikes up a tune as the scene changes to another camera, this time showing characters in conversation, and the music fades into the background. The music in that scene is akin to what Dan Marcotte plays, only he laces his with lyrics about modern and geeky subjects. In Fred the Ranger, he strums his guitar and sings about D&D-styled rangers while a recorder and drum round out the accompaniment. The song belongs in both game stores and around campfires, and the guy singing it needs a plume in his hat. The song follows Fred from a young age until his retirement, recounting his favored enemies and some of his more memorable kills. Alas, it also follows Fred out of his retirement in a verse that serves as a warning to all role-players: do not overestimate your character.

Fred the Ranger was released on Dan Marcotte's 2009 album, Manticores and Owlbears.

Fred the Ranger on Google Play

Roll a D6

If I ran a game store I would play the song Roll a D6 by Connor Anderson and Zac Smith.

You've hatched a plan at the game table but it involves off-the-wall shenanigans. What's a proper GM to say? That's where Connor Anderson was when his DM, Zac Smith, had him roll a d6. Zac gave him the instruction and the inspiration for this song was immediate. Hours later they had a final draft of the lyrics, parodying the song Like a G6 by Far East Movement. Roll a D6 gives a series of gaming vignettes that all resolve with the DM commanding resolution by six-sided die. You want to avoid a thing? You want to see a thing? You want to swipe a thing? D6, d6, and d6, respectively; let fate take control.

Roll a D6 was released direct to YouTube in May 2011.

Roll a D6 on Amazon

I Put My Low Stat

If I ran a game shop I would like to play the song I Put My Low Stat by Mary Crowell, but it's NSFW.

Roll 4d6, drop the low number, sum the rest, and note the total. Do it five more times and you've got the first step in Dungeons and Dragons character creation. Next you assign the numbers to your stats and in doing so you essentially dictate your character's class. We've all been through the woes, but it took Mary Crowell to write and record a song about it. I Put My Low Stat features Mary singing pleasantly over her piano about the pros and cons of assigning the low stat to all six abilities. She drops plenty of D&D lingo and a solitary swear word. I waffled on labeling this song NSFW for the lone swear word, but I decided the balance of the language and the gentle way she swears made the song okay to play in my fictional game store.

I Put My Low Stat was released on Mary Crowell's 2012 album, Acolytes Of The Machine & Other Gaming Stories - which has many other excellent songs about Dungeons and Dragons. The abiding role-playing website, ENWorld.org, hosted "The Battle of the Bards" music competition in 2012. One month after Mary's album released, she won the top prize for I Put My Low Stat.

I Put My Low Stat on Google Play

D & D

If I ran a game store I would play the song D & D by Stephen Lynch.

One of the nice things about gamers is that we have an understanding of how geeky our hobbies are. We've learned to take a few jabs as long as its done the right way. Stephen Lynch is a comedian and musician who jabs at gamers with his D & D routine. The bit calls for two voices, so he's joined in the recording by Mark Teich. D & D is a comedy song that highlights some of the standard gamer stereotypes, i.e. the virgin living in the parents' basement. It's performed in front of audiences that might be laughing at gamers, but the song is so off the mark of reality that even gamers can have a laugh at it. Since it's a comedy routine the lyrics are often in prose, but I didn't bother to note that in the lyrics I provided. Also, it's a routine that is still performed and it has evolved over time. The D & D version I would play in my game store is from Lynch's 2003 album, Superhero. He also released a version title D&D (Live 2005) on his 2005 album, The Craig Machine. The 2005 version is longer, but it contains a fair bit of swearing and isn't really fit for playing in an all-ages store. I haven't checked, but I imagine there being plenty of recording on YouTube will all sort of variant lyrics.

D & D on Google Play