The Elements

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Elements by Tom Lehrer.

"Sing the phonebook" is a phrase at the root of many compliments paid to singers. It's used to claim they could sing any old words and make it sound good, for example, "she could sing the phonebook and I'd pay to listen." While I've never heard that claim made about Tom Lehrer, he did sing the names of all the elements on the periodic table to paying audiences. The song, The Elements, is him singing those names to the tune of Major-General's Song from The Pirates of Penzance. He names every element on the table at the time the song was written in 1959, although he doesn't sing them in the order they appear on the periodic table. Instead, he puts them into a sequence to match the original tune's meter and to introduce alliteration. The song is equal parts hectic and humorous.

The Elements has been released on three of Tom Lehrer's albums. First, on 1959's More of Tom Lehrer and 1959's An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer (it's a live album and the track has spoken comedy in addition to the song) and 1994's compilation album Tom Lehrer in Concert (it's the same track from An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer). The song has also appeared on compilation kids' and comedy albums.

The Elements (More of Tom Lehrer version) on Google Play

The Loneliest Ghost in Town

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Loneliest Ghost in Town by Southern Culture on the Skids.

We don't all get to choose where we'll be when our life ends. The thing is if you move on to the spirit realm then it's not so much of a matter for you, but if your soul is trapped wandering across the mortal realm, well, then you hope to be someplace nice. There are tales of some pretty boring haunted places, like canyon passes and ghost ships. If you're the living and you get spooked by an out of the way ghost you scream and run away, but if you're the ghost in this scenario then you're in for an afterlife of boredom. The Loneliest Ghost in Town is a foot-stomping, rockabilly song with a title that sums up its subject matter quite well.

The Loneliest Ghost in Town was released on the 2013 album, Mondo Zombie Boogaloo. MZB is a Halloween-themed album, with songs by Southern Culture on the Skids, The Fleshtones, and Los Straitjackets. It released in in October 2013 to accompany the three bands on a joint tour. In my opinion, there are two other standout tracks on the album: It's Monster Surfing Time and Que Monstruos Son, both by Los Straitjackets. It's Monster Surfing Time is a surf music song with a playful, ominous vibe to it. Que Monstruos Son is a Spanish-language version of The Monster Mash and it features members from The Fleshtones and Southern Culture on the Skids. If I ran a game store I would also play the song It's Monster Surfing Time. for the general vibe it brings.

The Loneliest Ghost in Town on Google Play

Press Start to Continue

If I ran a game store I would play the song Press Start to Continue by Possible Oscar.

I'm pretty much a blundering idiot. I say the wrong things. I act the wrong way. I'm never listening when it matters. If I had a ring that would take me back twenty seconds when I twist it, that would give me just enough time to review my foolishness and replace it with better behavior. I'm betting that Possible Oscar is a bunch of blundering idiots, too, because they've written a song about going back in time to correct social errors. Their solution was to do like in video games, though, where you can save your game and start there again after you die. Press Start to Continue is a parody of Judas Priest's Living After Midnight. I realize that heavy metal isn't the right fit for most game stores, but Living After Midnight is 35 years old and the original has weathered with time, plus Possible Oscar knows how to record their tunes so they're perfect for game stores - if you squint, it almost sounds like classic rock.

Press Start to Continue was released on the FuMP in early 2008 and it released a few months later on their album, The FuMP Volume 7. It was included on Possible Oscar's 2010 album, Individual Results May Vary.

Press Start to Continue on Bandcamp
Press Start to Continue on Google Play

My Freeze Ray

If I ran a game store I would play the song My Freeze Ray by Neil Patrick Harris.

The Fall 2007 season of television was a bleak season for it suffered under the impact of a Writers Guild of America strike. By the opening of 2008, there was nothing new to watch anywhere. Established shows were capable of surviving the strike while others, like Pushing Daisies, were doomed. However, just because there was a strike doesn't mean that all writers spent all their time on picket lines. The Whedon brothers - Jed, Joss, and Zack - and actress Maurissa Tancharoen (later Jed's wife) spent time working on a project that would allow them circumvent the entanglements of the strike. The result was Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a three-act musical comedy/drama video starring Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, and Felicia Day. It was first released for public consumption on the Dr. Horrible website, with act 1 releasing on July 15, 2008, act 2 on July 17, and act 3 on July 19, and has since become available from many vendors. The series was very warmly received and cemented the Whedons and stars as modern pop culture geek icons. It spawned a pseudo-sequel (Commentary! The Musical), comic book tributes by Dark Horse Comics, and cosplay fandom.

My Freeze Ray is the first song of the first act, performed by Neil Patrick Harris. In the scene, Dr. Horrible (NPH) is reading a letter submitted to his blog that questions who "her" is. Cut to the interior of a laundromat. Dr. Horrible is incognito, casting a wanting eye over Penny (Felicia Day) and singing about his feelings for her. I find it to be the most accessible song from the series, especially without context. The song reflects a supervillain in the making singing about how he wants to use his powers for love and not evil. It's sweet and menacing at the same time.

The song was released on the 2008 soundtrack entitled, Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Fans often refer to the song with the name "Laundry Day,"

My Freeze Ray on Google Play

I Fucking Love Science

If I ran a game store I would like to play the song I Fucking Love Science by Hank Green and The Perfect Strangers, but it's NSFW.

Elise Andrew started the "I Fucking Love Science" Facebook page in 2012 as a place to post neat science links. The page grew quickly and as it grew its name became a brand, spilling onto Twitter, Google+, and it's own dedicated website. In 2014, Hank Green and The Perfect Strangers released the song I Fucking Love Science on their album, Incongruent. I don't know that there is any relationship between the band and the brand that Mrs. Andrew has started, but if there's not there should be. Hank Green is an enormous nerd. He's got a science degree, a science blog and a science vlog, he's an inventor and a musician, he's started his own music label and he's interviewed the President of the United States of America. I think he is uniquely qualified to sing the I Fucking Love Science song, officially or unofficially. At any rate, he has this song and it's fun. It's a fast driving, modern rock tune perfect for singing at the top of your voice while you drive... or while selecting a board game from the store shelf. There's a clean version of the song - I Love Science - which is the same exact tune but sung without the expletive. It doesn't have the same punch for me, though. If I ran a game store I would like to play the uncensored version or neither - the clean version doesn't float my boat.

I Fucking Love Science on Google Play

You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You

If I ran a game store I might play the song You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You by Moneyshot Cosmonauts, it's iffy.

Everybody has their secrets. Some of us watch taboo anime, some of us use cosplay inappropriately, some of us use our beards to conceal weird things on our faces, and some of us aren't too proud to take home a bottom-feeder. It's this last group that Moneyshot Cosmonauts focuses on in You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You. Their parody of the oldie I Only Want to Be with You by Dusty Springfield (and covered many times since) follows a woman who's far from home, looking for some action in a bar full of losers. It's an internal dialogue showing her willpower weaken as she takes drink after drink.

The Moneyshot Cosmonauts aren't a band in the normal sense. They're M. Spaff Sumsion and whoever he can find to assist when the inspiration to record strikes him. Each song of theirs will have a different listing of band members. For You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You it's Cari Golden on lead and backing vocals, Bob Emmet on backing vocals and all of the instruments, and M. Spaff Sumsion on lyrics. They released the song on The FuMP in 2010 and it was released on The FuMP Volume 20 a couple of months later.

Gamers have the enduring reputation of being homely, weird, smelly nerds. I've spent enough time gaming in game stores and at conventions to know that this reputation should have expired, but hasn't. We're a diverse lot and I think that diversity lends us a collective sense of humor about homeliness, weirdos, and nerd life. Therefore I also think we can take a song like You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You and get a laugh out of it and not think it's aimed at us, because it isn't. But it also kind of is. We count the homely, weird, and smelly nerds among our numbers and there's a good chance we've all dealt with considering ourselves to be one - it's like a group identity thing. Okay, this is getting away from me. What I'm trying to say is this song isn't about gaming or pop culture so it doesn't properly belong on this list, but I think it'll play well to gamers because reasons, therefore it's iffy as to whether or not I'd play it in my store. Was that so hard to say, Roy, really?

You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You on Google Play

The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix)

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix) by Lemon Demon.

If Darth Vader fought the Doctor, who would win? What if it was Indiana Jones versus a Terminator T-800 Model 101? How about Batman versus Sauron? Or Vin Diesel and Mr. T? Pirates or ninjas? These are all classic arguments to be had on the walk to school in the sixth grade, at the game table as you wait for Jimmy to arrive, or in the Cal Tech cafeteria as depicted on The Big Bang Theory. In 2005, Lemon Demon threw all the names into a hat and rolled out The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny as a tribute to these queries. The song narrates the events of a battle royale between pop culture figures large and small and old and new, ultimately crowning a single victor.

When the song was initially released, in December 2005, it accompanied a Flash animation video by Shawn Vulliez. The video was released on the Newgrounds website, where it went viral and currently has over 12,000,000 views. The video was copied onto other viral websites, like Albino Blacksheep and YouTube, where it continued to be viewed by millions of people. Dr. Demento played the song repeatedly through 2006, with the song topping the "Funny Five" many times and eventually being crowned #1 Request for 2006. In July 2006, Lemon Demon released The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny on his album, Dinosaurchestra. Lemon Demon recorded a new version of the song, The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix), for inclusion in the Rock Band video game series in 2010. He also released the RBN Mix on The FuMP, where it was eventually included on The FuMP Volume 22. Finally, a live version of the song was released on Lemon Demon's 2011 album, Live (Only Not), with the billing "performed by the actual Full Band, instead of just a guy and a computer." The full band is Neil "Lemon Demon" Cicierega on vocals and piano, Greg Lanzillotta on drums, Alora Lanzillotta on bass, Charles "Chooch" Sergio and Dave Kitsberg on guitars. If I ran a game store I would play the RBN Mix version.

The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix) on Google Play

Sidekick

If I ran a game store I would play the song Sidekick by Tom Smith.

Heroic duos go far back into the history of fiction with the term "sidekick" being shortened from "side kicker" in the 1850s. A heroic duo is formed of one hero - Sherlock Holmes, King Arthur, Frodo Baggins, Han Solo - and one side kick - John Watson, Merlin, Samwise Gamgee, Chewbacca. Sometimes the hero lives up the title of hero and other times the sidekick is the one exhibiting strength and lifting the hero through conflict. The hero gets the glamour and the sidekick gets a feeling of thanks. This is the dynamic that Tom Smith examines in the song Sidekick. The song is a jaunty tune performed by Mr. Smith singing over a Garageband track. Lyrically, it sounds like the grumbling of an undervalued sidekick, more in line with four-color comics than classical literature.

Sidekick was released on Tom Smith's 2007 album, iTom 4.0: Smith and Legend.

Sidekick on Google Play

Half as Cool as Han Solo

If I ran a game store I would play the song Half as Cool as Han Solo by Dan Beahm and The Invisible Three.

I remember when I was a child of six years of age and after seeing Star Wars: A New Hope we all wanted to be Luke Skywalker. Since it didn't make sense for us all to be Luke some of us played Wedge and some of us played Porkins and some of us played Han, but Luke was the man to be. Luke was pretty much the cool one until we all got to high school and realized he was the whiny one. At that point all of our perceptions of cool fragmented, with some guys choosing Lando, some choosing Boba Fett, and some choosing Han. I'm pretty sure this debate still occurs among long-time and brand-new fans of the franchise.

Dan Beahm is clearly in the camp of Han Solo being the coolest. He's written and performed the love song Half as Cool as Han Solo, in which he shines a light on Solo's finer moments as deeds with which he, Dan, cannot compete. If he could compete, though, he'd be worthy of the Leia he pursues. Mr. Beahm holds himself to too high a standard. Maybe he's not the fastest at the Kessel Run, but he has put out two albums and directed/produced some movies and I think that's pretty cool.

Half as Cool as Han Solo is a medium tempo rock tune. It was released on Dan Beahm and The Invisible Three's 2003 album, Maybe I'll Fly. That version has the lyrics getting swallowed up by the guitar and sounds very late 1990's coffee shop. The song was performed anew and released on Dan Beahm and the Invisible Three's 2007 album, Amplifier. The versions are very similar, with the production quality being the main difference. If I ran a game store I would play the 2007 version.

Half as Cool as Han Solo on Google Play

Best Game Ever

If I ran a game store I would like to play the song Best Game Ever by Mikey Mason, but it's NSFW.

It doesn't take long after someone starts role-playing for them to start recounting their favorite characters and battles and campaigns. And it doesn't take long after someone starts recounting for everyone else to realize they had to be there to really enjoy it. Mikey Mason has brought to song one of the best nights in gaming that he can recall. The party succeeded with many mighty deeds but what really capped it is that the guy in the group that irritates everyone kept getting slammed in comical fashion. For the song, Best Game Ever, you don't need to have been there to enjoy it - all you need to do is tune in and maybe sing along.

Mikey Mason likes playing his electric guitar loudly and singing loudly and, generally, making loud, gaming music. In Best Game Ever he yields to the verses, with the volume and emotion of his vocal matching the mood of the memory he's describing. The song starts with a calm retelling of the game, but as he enjoys himself more the vocals really start coming from his gut. It comes across like a gamer getting excited and losing it a little bit. Mikey states on the song's Bandcamp page that his inspiration for this song is the song Tonight by Cossbysweater (a.k.a. Allie Goertz), which is another song about role-playing but is radically different from Best Game Ever in tone and sound. I don't know what he heard to birth this song from that one. Tonight is a song I'll cover some other time on X Marks the Beat.

Best Game Ever is from Mikey Mason's 2012 album, Barbarian Jetpack. He released the song on The FuMP in 2013, as well.

Best Game Ever on Google Play

I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home

If I ran a game store I would play the song I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home by Eduard Khil.

In the 1960s and 1970s Eduard Khil was a treasured Russian crooner, with a couple of generations enjoying his soothing baritone vocals. He and his composer, Arkady Ostrovsky, had composed this song in the mid-60s with lyrics about an American cowboy returning to his farm. When it came time to perform the song on television, Khil put aside the lyrics and performed the song vokaliz style instead (meaning sung but without words, akin to American scat singing). Some claim that the government was censoring the imagery of the life in the American west to Soviet-era listeners. Khil denied this, claiming instead that the lyrics were unfit for television. YouTube has a variety of videos of Khil performing this song. All of them are vokaliz and all are accompanied by a full orchestra. A 1976 performance was discovered there by internet misfits who surfaced it on Reddit, and from there BuzzFeed and the Huffington Post further popularized the video. The video went viral and eventually led to a call to revive Khil's career, although he was well into his 70s at the time. The song has gone down in internet history as the "Trololo" song or the "Russian Rickroll". For me, the song is time-stamped with the mark of the early 2010s. I have to imagine that most people who were clowning around on the internet at that time have encountered this song.

I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home on Google Play

Critical Hit

If I ran a game store I would play the song Critical Hit by Ghost Mice.

Everybody who's ever seen the movie The Goonies remembers the Goonies catchphrase, "Goonies never say die." Critical Hit is a song after that same sentiment. The song takes place in a dungeon where Despair has cast its long shadow over the party. The PCs are spent and the monsters are still walking tall. It's doubtful that the DM is going to play the Deus ex Machina card, so the only thing really left to do is to hack. Hack like your lives depend on it - and hope for that natural 20. "Not all fights are won by skill, some are won by luck." That needs to be on a Chessex poster.

Ghost Mice is a two-piece folk band composed of two people who normally play punk music: Chris Clavin on guitar and Hannah Jones on violin. The two were/are in various punk bands together - and Chris started the label Plan-It-X Records - before striking into folk music. They bring a really fun sound to folk, sounding more like an Austin, Texas band than a Bloomington, Indiana one. Critical Hit has a really loose, folksy, back porch feel to it, with most of the lyrics not caring to rhyme and most of the lines not caring for meter. I tend to forget about this song and then when I hear it I hum it for a week.

Critical Hit was released on the 2007 album, Ghost Mice & Andrew Jackson Jihad. It's a split album with the first eight songs being performed by Andrew Jackson Jihad and the last eight being played by Ghost Mice.

Critical Hit on Google Play

Exclamations

If I ran a game store I would play Exclamations by the Brobdingnagian Bards.

When I was a kid, every now and then during Saturday morning cartoons a commercial was removed and replaced with a cartoon music video from Schoolhouse Rock!. The songs were all super catchy and the cartoons were very cartoony and paired together they were magical to me. The song Exclamations is a parody of the Schoolhouse Rock! song, Interjections. Grammatically speaking, an exclamation is a type of interjection so the parody remains quite true to the original, with both songs being about the parts of speech.

Exclamations is a song written by David Keefer of Maryland-based band Boogie Knights. It's become something of a filk standard and there are many versions on YouTube sung by various artists at various conventions. The Brobdingnagian Bards' version had its lyrics doctored by Andrew McKee (of "the Bards") to be a bit more sci-fi and bit less French, and still very FLGS-worthy. They play their version on an auto-harp with Marc Gunn doing the singing and McKee doing the exclaiming.

Exclamations by the Brobdingnagian Bards was released on The FuMP in summer of 2007 and was released on the album, The FuMP Volume 3 not long after.

Exclamations on Google Play

Worst Superpower Ever

If I ran a game store I would play the song Worst Superpower Ever by The Doubleclicks.

Anyone who's read superhero comics or watched X-Men: The Last Stand knows that not all superpowers or mutations are equal. Some powers are as bland as bones protruding through skin (Marrow), the power of language translation (Cypher), an advanced skill in training attack bees (Red Bee), or the ability to morph into any shape as long as that shape is made of water (Zan). The Doubleclicks decided to have some fun with this idea by taunting the weak-powered heroes of their imaginations with the song Worst Superpower Ever. It's a slowish song filled with the voices of the Webber sisters, a guitar, and the bass tones of the violoncello. In it, they brainstorm some really weak sauce powers and then taunt whoever might have those powers. I think every geek has spent some time brainstorming lists of lousy powers because in our hearts we all know that the popular kids would be the ones with the cool powers while we'd get stuff like the ability to over-stuff pocket protectors.

There are two versions of Worst Superpower Ever that were released simultaneously in 2012. The Doubleclicks released their Chainmail and Cello album and Worst Superpower Ever album at the same time. While the two albums have different songs there are some songs that appear on both, with the Chainmail and Cello versions being dirty and the Worst Superpower Ever versions being clean (they change lyrics, they don't bleep words). In the case of the song Worst Superpower Ever the difference between the two versions is one lyric:

Adult version: Or would you rather be a brave blind man with the power to see?
Kids version: Or would you rather have the power to control all the fish in the sea?

If I ran a game store I would play the adult version of Worst Superpower Ever from the album Chainmail and Cello, just because.

Worst Superpower Ever on Google Play
Worst Superpower Ever (kid's version) on Google Play

Wannabe a Slayer

If I ran a game store I would play the song Wannabe a Slayer by The Spike Girls.

Buffy was the slayer, but there were plenty of people watching her from their sofas wishing they were slayers too. Wannabe a Slayer is something of an instruction manual for acting like a slayer. In it, the Spike Girls sing about the heart and discipline it takes. They list the assets necessary to prevail over evil, and by their estimation you pretty much need the original crew that surrounded Buffy. Basically, you need to be Buffy and I gaffed it by calling the song an instruction manual. There's only one slayer and it's not you and it's not me, so all we can do is wannabe.

Wannabe a Slayer is a parody of The Spice Girls' song, Wannabe. The band name "Spike Girls" is also a parody of the Spice Girls, with the delightful twist of incorporating the name of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer character. The Spike Girls is actually a vocalist named Chemele paired with the great Luke Ski. Luke Ski wrote the song and realized it needed a female singer so his engineer hired Chemele to do the female lyrics while Luke Ski did the rest.

Wannabe a Slayer is from the great Luke Ski's 2002 album, Uber Geek. He re-released the track on his 2003 album, Greatest Hits Volume 1: 1996​-​2003.

Wannabe a Slayer on Bandcamp

Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns

If I ran a game store I would play the song Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns by Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers.

Traditionally, leprechauns wore red coats, green vests, white pants, and black socks. They also like to pinch and prank people and wearing green grants a person immunity from these bothers. It's lesser known, but leprechauns also like to play rock and roll music. Their rock and roll roots go back to early times on the Emerald Isle, though at some point a while ago they stopped playing it. Nobody really remembers when they stopped. Even fewer would know why they stopped. The thing is, they've just recently returned and their rock and roll sound is as playful as ever. Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns is Jonathon Richman's celebration of their return and is itself a playful, stripped down rock and roll song. The song features a bare bones acoustic that sounds like it might have been played in a hall rather than a recording studio, especially the saxophone interlude. It's light-weight and carries a sense of whimsy - perfect for a game store.

Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns is from the 1977 album, Rock 'n' Roll with the Modern Lovers. It was also released on the 2013 compilation album, Roadrunner: The Berzerkeley Collection, which collected their hits on the Berzerkeley record label.

Rockin' Rockin' Leprechauns on Google Play

Dark Lord Sleeping on My Sofa

If I ran a game store I would play the song Dark Lord Sleeping on My Sofa by The Blibbering Humdingers.

It took Lord Voldemort a good long while to rebound after zapping baby Harry Potter with the Killing Curse, something like seventeen years. That's a long time for a serial killer to need to couch surf. Ben Franklin nailed it when he wrote, "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." I can only imagine the stress that He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named created when he showed up on a doorstep with his suitcase in hand. Clearly, The Blibbering Humdingers were thinking the same thing because they wrote Dark Lord Sleeping on My Sofa as an exploration of that scenario. The song is played in their typical upbeat fashion, almost sounding like the theme song to a 1980s sitcom. It goes down a list of beefs that a typical house guest presents, like not kicking in for take-out, but it mixes in problems that only the Dark Lord would create.

The song was previewed on YouTube in 2010 with a video using preliminary lyrics and a purposefully raucous performance (link). The final version of the song came a few months later, on The Blibbering Humdingers' 2010 album, Nobody Expects.... They released a karaoke version of the song on their 2012 album, Free Awkward Hugs.

Dark Lord Sleeping on My Sofa on Google Play

Table Top

If I ran a game store I would play the song Table Top by Beefy.

It's Friday night game night at the favorite local game store and Beefy is playing to win with his song, Table Top. If game stores had the bucks to advertise on TV, this is the song they'd play in those ads. It's a Nerdcore hip-hop song that has Beefy breaking open both his Players's Handbook and his rhyming dictionary. In it, he sings about his love of board and card games, calling out his most and least favorites by name. There's some boasting, some joking, and some decreeing. The song has something of a hectic beat to it and it'll take more than one listen to catch all the lyrics and his references.

Table Top is from Beefy's 2008 album, Rolling Doubles. The song was in circulation for nearly a year before the album released and that made it the biggest song on the album. Beefy frequently closes his live shows with it. If I put together a top-ten list of songs to be played in game stores, Table Top would rank very highly.

Table Top on Google Play

Sweep the Leg

If I ran a game store I would play the song Sweep the Leg by No More Kings.

We all knew that Kreese was a bad guy as sensei of the Cobra Kai, but the extent of his bad was shown as he held Johnny's head, stared him dead in the eyes, and uttered, "Sweep the leg." Daniel-san was already as good as beaten. The illegal move Bobby used on his knee made it impossible for Daniel-san to stand without wobbling. After receiving the order Johnny stared at Kreese in shock. "Do you have a problem with that?" asked Kreese. Johnny stammered, "No, sensei." "No mercy," the master reminded the student.

It's an iconic scene in the iconic, 1984 version of The Karate Kid. While it's not depicted in the movie, the events of that fight have lingered in Johnny's mind for a long time. With Sweep the Leg, No More Kings have put together a moderate rock tune that gets inside of Johnny's head and examines all the demons that Kreese and that bout have left lingering there. "I heard the devil whisper in my ear. He made his message clear when he said, 'sweep the leg, Johnny.'" As Johnny awarded Daniel-san the victor's trophy himself it was immediately evident that Kreese's control had ended and the afterthoughts had begun – start the music.

The actors who played the Cobra Kai remain real life friends into the present day. Somehow No More Kings managed to connect with these guys to reprise their roles in the music video for Sweep the Leg. They also got Martin Kove and Ralph Macchio to return as Sensei Kreese and Daniel LaRusso, respectively. The video plays something like a continuation of the movie, perhaps feeling more like a "Twenty years later..." though. The video went viral upon its release.

Sweep the Leg was released on the No More Kings' 2007 album, No More Kings. The album won an Independent Music Award in 2008 in the Album - Pop/Rock category.

Sweep the Leg on Google Play

Soul Bossa Nova

If I ran a game store I would play Soul Bossa Nova by Quincy Jones.

It took Quincy Jones twenty minutes to write Soul Bossa Nova in 1962 (source) and it has lived a robust life ever since. I think it's fair to say that most of us know the song from the Austin Powers series of movies as the outrageous 1960s, flower power theme song. I know that when I pretend to play it in my pretend store I get a lot of "Groovy, baby!", "Oh, behave!", and "Do I make you horny baby?" from my pretend customers. The song was also the theme song to a 1970s/80s Canadian game show. It has been featured in movies and video games, and it's been sampled by hip hop artists. I'm sure Mr. Jones wishes all of his twenty-minutes compositions were as well received.

Soul Bossa Nova was released on Quincy Jones'  shagadelic1962 album, Big Band Bossa Nova.

Soul Bossa Nova on Google Play

Saving Throw

If I ran a game store I'd play the song Saving Throw by Shaun Varney.

Sometimes catastrophe befalls our characters. The game of Dungeons and Dragons is one of heroes, though, and not knaves. Therefore the game designers included a mechanism allowing characters to reach deep inside of themselves to overpower forces that would doom the rest of us: the saving throw. Shaun Varney has provided this heavy metal ode to the life-saving die roll. He lists a series of bad and catastrophic situations from which only a saving throw will save the character, gambling their life on the toss of a d20. He didn't get really adventurous with the lyrics, though he did get a little dark with his scenarios. It's clear he's spent time around a merciless DM.

Saving Throw is from Shaun Varney's 2006 album, Menuit the Mediocre: Truth Is in the Ear of the Beholder.

Saving Throw on Google Play

Ready to Roll

If I ran a game store I would play the song Ready to Roll by Flashlight Brown.

This is what it sounds like when a major music label releases a punk rock song about Dungeons and Dragons. It's fast, loud, well-produced, and more mainstream than niche hobby. Most of the songs about Dungeons and Dragons that I add to this playlist are about very specific gaming elements - the DM, the dice, splitting the party, character generation. Ready to Roll is about D&D but it doesn't get into anything very specific at all. It's very much a radio play song that risks turning off the audience with its geek lingo but that doesn't place all its chips on the gamble. I think the song walks away a winner, though.

Ready to Roll is from Flashlight Brown's 2003 album, My Degeneration. It was also included on the Rugrats Go Wild soundtrack released a couple of months later. Flashlight Brown had originally recorded a cover of Should I Stay or Should I Go for the soundtrack, but the success of Ready to Roll got it placed on the album instead.

Ready to Roll on Google Play

Mwahaha

If I ran a game store I would play the song Mwahaha by Ookla the Mok.

All the best villains enjoy the evil they do and they share their enjoyment in the form of catchphrases and evil laughs. Mwahaha is a collection of some of the best evilisms ever uttered put to rock music. The song is about an evil mastermind trying to determine which catchphrase best suits his needs while the chorus is a medley of cinematic laughs. The song is so laden with references that Ookla the Mok posted this game on The FuMP:

Test Your Super-Villain IQ!

For each reference or quote, give yourself one point for identifying the source material, and another point for correctly naming the speaker.

Below 20 points: Brutish Dolt. How did you even find this website?

Between 20-29 points: Evil Lackey. Insufficient. A Doombot has been dispatched to escort you to the nearest reeducation center.

Between 30-39 points: Evil Minion. You are to be commended for your effort. I promise you a quick and painless death.

Between 40-49 points: Evil Henchman. Most impressive, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Over 50 points: Evil Overlord. This is not necessarily something to be proud of. When was the last time you saw the sun?

I scored 31 for lyrics and 4 for laughter; solid Evil Minion.

Mwahaha was released on The FuMP in January 2013. It was released on Ookla the Mok's album, Vs Evil, in March 2013.

Mwahaha on Google Play

It's a Trap!

If I ran a game store I would play the song It's a Trap! by Dr. Awkward.

Han Solo is the original space pirate. The movies don't show him doing much pirating, though, and instead he plays as more of a smuggler. In It's a Trap!, Dr. Awkward raps about a pirate character that at times seems like they're in the Star Wars universe - possibly Han Solo himself - but that is a pirate that fits the "prepare to be boarded" model more than Han ever did. The song is a moody rap that portrays this dark character talking about his swagger and the crimes he commits. Even though the song samples Admiral Akbar's famous "It's a trap" line, it is used in the context of a spaceship trapped and about to be boarded by the pirate character. The character almost sounds more like Malcolm Reynolds than anyone from the Star Wars universe. I'd pay to watch this movie.

It's a Trap! is from Dr. Awkward's 2013 album, Blank Pages.

It's a Trap! on Google Play

Big Bang Theory Theme

If I ran a game store I would play the song Big Bang Theory Theme by Barenaked Ladies.

The Big Bang Theory TV show is divisive among geeks. The ideas that it doesn't properly portray geek culture, that it laughs at geeks instead of with geeks, and that the show is unfunny are popular among our crowd. There are some who dislike the theme song because of its association to the show. If you dislike the theme song for this reason then shame on you. It's a quality song. Had it been released on an album without association to the show there would be zero balking. Instead, the song would play and geeks would be rocking to science-based music. It's an upbeat alt rock song describing the events of the Big Bang with a brief history of the world. I would very certainly play this song in my game store and direct whiners to the door.

The lore behind the song is that the show's executive producers were at a Barenaked Ladies concert in Los Angeles. The frontman, Ed Robertson, did an improvised freestyle rap about the Big Bang. The EPs liked the song. They asked Barenaked Ladies to pen the theme, but the band had been jilted before so they would only do it after learning no other bands had been asked. I call "baloney." The idea that the EPs were creating a show titled The Big Bang Theory and a band member randomly breaks into verse about the Big Bang is too much for me to believe. I'm thinking Mr. Ed Robertson got a call from his agent discussing who was in the crowd and why and he made the choice based upon that knowledge. But what do I know?

The Big Bang Theory TV show debuted on September 24, 2007 and a full-length version of the song was released as a single on October 9, 2007. The song was included on Barenaked Ladies' 2011 greatest hits album, Hits from Yesterday & The Day Before. There are sources claiming the song is/was titled History of Everything, but I was unable to find anything verifying that title.

Big Bang Theory Theme on Google Play

I Should Be Writing

If I ran a game store I might play the song I Should Be Writing by John Anealio, it's iffy.

Songwriter John Anealio finds his mind wandering when it comes time to write lyrics. It is oft summoned by the siren call of the internet or of the TARDIS materializing on BBC America. At some point we've all sat down to write - maybe it's a school assignment, maybe it's art, or maybe it's a post on a very quiet blog. And at some point we've all experienced what John does: our minds wanting to focus on something - anything - other than writing. I Should Be Writing is a gentle self-scolding for those times. If I ran a game store I would strongly consider playing this song because I know that many of the patrons have creative pursuits, be they GMs or comic book authors or bardic poets. It's iffy for me because the song is more about the creative process and no so much about gaming or monsters or pop culture, but I really believe that my fictional customers would take to the song.

I Should Be Writing is the theme song to a podcast of the same name and it was specially commissioned by the podcast's host, Mur Lafferty, for that purpose. The song was also released on John Anealio's 2010 EP, NaNoWriMo, which is his ode to National Novel Writing Month. The EP also has an acoustic version of the song, titled I Should Be Writing (Acoustic). If I ran a game store I would play the electronic version. The difference is instrumental only, with both songs being gentle rock tunes. John plays guitar on both versions, but the electronic version also has him playing synthesizer and drum machine.

From John Anealio's Bandcamp page:

"I Should Be Writing" is dedicated to everyone who writes. Whether you write novels, articles, blog posts, comics, or songs, I think everyone has occasions when they doubt what they are doing or are easily distracted. Hopefully this song will help.

I Should Be Writing on Bandcamp

Goonies (Never Say Die)

If I ran a game store I would play the song Goonies (Never Say Die) by Mikey Mason.

Outside of the music that Cyndi Lauper made for The Goonies soundtrack there isn't a lot of music about The Goonies movie. Mikey Mason pretty much has the category to himself with his song Goonies (Never Say Die). Good thing it's a quality song worth playing in game stores. Goonies (Never Say Die) is a nerd rock song that is sung from the perspective of one of the Goonies, with not enough detail to narrow it down to which one. Mason purposely kept the kid's identity fuzzy because the song is really about the concerns and insecurities of all kids as they age into adulthood. When a problem gets overwhelming it's time for a Goonie tackle it with their valiant, "never say die" attitude.

Goonies (Never Say Die) is from Mikey Mason's 2012 album, Barbarian Jetpack.

Goonies (Never Say Die) on Bandcamp

This Fantasy World

If I ran a game store I would play the song This Fantasy World by The Doubleclicks.

Sometimes a guy attracts a girl by making a real world Charisma check and sometimes a guy attracts a girl by making an in-game Charisma check. We've all seen or imagined attraction happening at the gaming table. In-game heroics mix with real world flirting to maybe get the two on a date. That's where This Fantasy World dwells. It's the tale of a crush that develops during a campaign and the girl's efforts to woo the guy. There's a "kids version" and an explicit version, with the differences in the explicit version being a bad word, the use of "stupid" instead of "silly", and her goal being sex rather than a date. Musically, they both have a very full sound provided by a cello and an acoustic guitar with the two sisters singing the gently tumbling lyrics. If I ran a game store I would play the kids version.

This Fantasy World (explicit version) was released on The Doubleclicks' 2012 album, Chainmail and Cello. This Fantasy World (kids version) was released on their other 2012 album, Worst Superpower Ever. What The Doubleclicks did is to release both albums on the same day, with Worst Superpower Ever having clean versions of many of the songs on Chainmail and Cello. This is a boon for X Marks the Beat because The Doubleclicks are both prolific and excellent and I plan to add many more of their songs here. Providing family-friendly versions of their music allows me to play those songs in my non-existent game store.

This Fantasy World (kids version) on Bandcamp

Here's a fan video using the explicit version of the song:

Futurama Theme (Remix)

If I ran a game store I would play the song Futurama Theme (Remix) by Adam WarRock.

The Futurama theme song is embedded in the heads of a lot of people. From the opening chimes on the tubular bells to the closing sounds that imply a machine coming to a faulty stop, most of us have a pretty good idea of how the theme sounds. Along comes Adam WarRock wanting to pay homage to the show, but there's no lyrics to remix. What's a nerdcore rapper to do? Ever the pro, he remixes the sounds and beats and adds his own lyrics. He sings about the show at a general level, how he became exposed to it, and why he loves it. He also gives props to the executive producers, The Simpsons, and the ephemera of both those shows. While the lyrics aren't always on the subject of Futurama this song is every bit written by a fan of the show about his love of the show.

Futurama Theme (Remix) was released on Adam WarRock's 2013 album, Planet Express EP.

Zip file of Planet Express EP on Adam WarRock's website

Dead Nintendo

If I ran a game store I would play the song Dead Nintendo by Possible Oscar.

Once upon a time if your gaming console wasn't working you could kick it to make it work. You could also try cycling the power, reinserting the medium, examining the disc for scratches, or blowing on the cartridge. If those didn't fix it then verbal threats were mandatory. That's the journey that Possible Oscar takes in Dead Nintendo. It's a mournful parody of The Eagles' ballad Desperado, lamenting a design flaw in the Nintendo Entertainment System. The song is about a classic console and so it goes the song is about all of the classic games that can't be played due to the glitch. Dead Nintendo hearkens to the adult and retro gamers who wander the imaginary aisles in my imaginary store.

Dead Nintendo was released on Possible Oscar's 2007 album, The Wrath of Con. They also released a live version around the same time, titled Dead Nintendo - live at MarsCon 2007. It's available on The FuMP and on the compilation CD, The FuMP Volume 2.

Dead Nintendo on Google Play

Batman, Wolfman, Frankenstein, or Dracula

If I ran a game store I would play the song Batman, Wolfman, Frankenstein, or Dracula by The Diamonds.

When most people think of a date movie their minds move to romantic comedies, but there are people out there that prefer something scary instead. It's an old cliche for a girl to jump into the arms of her boyfriend when startled at the cinema. Batman, Wolfman, Frankenstein, or Dracula is a song about a girl who only gets in the mood with the help of a good frightening movie, much to the delight of her beau. It's a 1959 doo-wop novelty that could easily have been sung by The Coasters, but was instead sung by Canadian cover band The Diamonds. The late 1950s had people dancing to The Purple People Eater, The Witch Doctor, and the like, so Batman, Wolfman, Frankenstein, or Dracula was warmly received in dance halls.

Batman, Wolfman, Frankenstein, or Dracula was released in 1959 as the B-side to Walkin' the Stroll on 7" vinyl by Mercury Records. It was re-released on the 1966 compilation album Best of The Diamonds: The Mercury Years, on the 1993 compilation album The Diamonds' Little Darlin': 25 Greatest Hits, and on the 2007 compilation album The Diamonds' Songbook. On all of these albums the song name remained the same, but some streaming websites use the song name Batman, Wolfman to refer to this song.

Batman, Wolfman, Frankenstein, or Dracula on Google Play

Spider-Man

If I ran a game store I would play Spider-Man by The Ramones.

In 1967, Grantray-Lawrence Animation produced an animated Spider-Man cartoon based upon the Marvel Comics character of the same name. The show lasted on the American Broadcasting Company for three seasons and after its initial broadcast it went into syndication, outlasting its 1967-1970 time frame by many decades. The longevity of the series exposed a generation or two of kids to the show and its hugely catchy theme song. The theme song, composed by Bob Harris and with lyrics by Paul Francis Webber, has gone on to become a standard with many bands covering it over the years. It's also been used in many of the live-action Spider-Man feature films.  The song's opening lyric of "Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can" is arguably as synonymous with Peter Parker as the Spider-Man suit is. The version of the song I would play if I ran a game store is the version by The Ramones.

The Ramones covered the song late in their musical career, but it appears on various albums of theirs. Spider-Man was first released as a hidden track on the vinyl version of their 1995 album, ¡Adios Amigos!, originally marking the track as a rarity. It was also included in the 1995 compilation album, Saturday Morning: Cartoons' Greatest Hits. A live version was released on their 1996 compilation album, Greatest Hits Live. They included another live version on their 1997 album, We're Outta Here!. The next time the studio version appeared was in their 2005 box set, Weird Tales of the Ramones, on disc 3. The song was featured in the 1996 film, Bio-Dome, but was excluded from the movie's soundtrack.

Spider-Man (Weird Tales of the Ramones version) on Google Play

Cantina

If I ran a game store I might play the song Cantina by Voltaire, it's iffy.

What if the Mos Eisley Cantina was really a gay bar? And what if the patrons there were rough in the sack? That's the subject about which Voltaire sings in his Cantina. He plays the song as a western honky-tonk and at first it plays like an actual western tune about Star Wars, but when Cantina gets to the twist the song gets wrong. The lyrics get into Han and Chewie and Greedo and more taking turns with Luke, having their way with him. There's an extended version of the song that adds others to the list of bodies coming at him. The song was done in jest and it plays as crude humor, but offense is in the ear of the listener and I can see where clientele might not appreciate the song as humor. Cantina uses the word "homo" and claims that Luke has lost his manhood for the acts performed on him, but it also has him enjoying himself and wanting more. Listening to Voltaire's larger body of work you grasp that he goes for bawdy, NSFW humor and in that context this song doesn't seem so offensive. However, you can see where this one is iffy regardless, and maybe it's a solid "nope" and my sensibilities are askew. There is definitely a difference in the humor of Cantina and Suds Me Up, Sulu, where the former is iffy and the latter is a definite play in my fictional game store.

Cantina is from Voltaire's 2007 album, Ooky Spooky. Using his more recent performing name of Aurelio Voltaire, he released an extended version of the song titled Cantina (BiTrektual Version) on his 2012 album, BiTrektual. If I ran a game store I might play the original version of the song because the extended 7 ½ minute version is a bit too long for one joke.

Cantina on Google Play

Cantina (BiTrektual Version) on Google Play

D&D

If I ran a game store I would play the song D&D by SJ Tucker.

If I ran a game store I would make a point to play this song daily. This song is about gamers clocking out of work and gathering at their favorite local game store to play Dungeons and Dragons. It doesn't get more on theme than that for this blog. SJ Tucker and her guitar play a loving and gentle tribute to the grand ol' game of D&D. She doesn't lament dice rolls or dungeon masters, nor rules lawyers nor muchkins. Instead, she croons about the pleasure of pretending with friends and the camaraderie that role-playing games provide. I interpret this song as an ode to the entire hobby of adventure gaming.

D&D is a parody of the song The Napoli by Show of Hands (from their 2009 album, Arrogance, Ignorance & Greed). It was released on SJ Tucker's 2011 album, Mischief, as a digital-only bonus song. As such, the only place I've found to buy it is on SJ Tucker's website. There is a music video of D&D included on the 2011 DVD The Gamers: Dorkness Rising Special Edition, produced by Dead Gentlemen Productions. I've embedded the video. Note that the song is sometimes called Playing D&D, as it is in the video.

D&D on SJ Tucker's website

Screw You, DM!

If I ran a game store I would play the song Screw You, DM! by Dan Marcotte.

Dungeon Masters can be messed up. They can be stingy with loot, adhere tyrannically to dice rolls, alter the character that you've crafted, and put you into no-win situations. I don't think it's uncommon for there to be hurt feelings at the gaming table every now and then. Apparently Dan Marcotte has attended some of those gaming tables because he has released Screw You, DM! to be the song you sing as you cry in your beer. Screw You, DM! is a parody of the famous Irish folk standard Whiskey in the Jar, with Marcotte's version sounding closer to The Dubliners' 1960s version than the Metallica or Thin Lizzy covers. Marcotte performs the song in his Renaissance bardic style, complete with lute and recorder. It's song is sung from the perspective of a wronged D&D player, with examples of unfair play to which we can all relate. He made sure to add in plenty of D&D vocabulary to make it a very fitting song for my imaginary game store.

Screw You, DM! was released on Dan Marcotte's 2009 album, Manticores and Owlbears.

Screw You, DM! on Google Play

Kobolds Ate My Baby

If I ran a game store I would play the song Kobolds Ate My Baby by Mikey Mason.

If I ran a game store I would play the game Kobolds Ate My Baby by 9th Level Games. When I write about songs here at X Marks the Beat, I tend to imagine what sort of gamer the performer is. Some don't game at all and some have campaigned, but when there's a song about a game as off-beat as KAMB then I assume that's a hardcore gamer. According to the album's liner notes, Mikey started gaming with the red box D&D and used his current gaming group for background vocals on this song, so yeah.

The song Kobolds Ate My Baby is in every way about the game Kobolds Ate My Baby. It uses details from the game to really punch up the lyrics for fans. The song wants to be a hard rock song, but the humor keeps the tone from achieving "hard" and instead it parodies the style - which is also addressed in the liner notes as being one of Mikey's goals.* Kobolds Ate My Baby is from Mikey Mason's 2011 album, Impotent Nerd Rage.

* "And thank you Spinal Tap (Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer) for teaching me that it's possible to parody a genre without parodying a specific song, but still create credible, viable music. I hope I was able to do that on this album." - from Impotent Nerd Rage

Kobolds Ate My Baby on Google Play

Never Split the Party

If I ran a game store I would play the song Never Split the Party by Emerald Rose.

We've all had our reasons for parting ways in an RPG. Maybe you thought the level was cleared. Maybe the thief has a separate agenda. Maybe half the party fell to a lower level. Whatever the case, the standard Dungeons and Dragons party has been balanced to work well together and are often rubbish when missing key roles, hence these words of sage advice: never split the party. That's the takeaway from this song by Emerald Rose. Never Split the Party is a casual, folk rock song about an adventuring party that splits and suffers great woe before they can reunite. The song begins with the band members clowning around at the gaming table and all throughout the song they can be heard cracking wise behind the lyrics. The jesting captures the mood of many of the gaming tables at which I have sat and is very welcoming.

Never Split the Party is from Emerald Rose's 2007 album, Con Suite. They've been recording Celtic rock / folk and Pagan songs since 1998. Con Suite is their only album dedicated to comedy, pop culture, and gaming, but it's a winner and I will be adding another song or two from it to X Marks the Beat.

Never Split the Party on Google Play



Never Split the Party lyrics

I know I had a Dungeon Master's Screen here somewhere.
Who has my glow-in-the-dark twenty-sided?
Hey, I can't find my character sheet. Where's my character- oh, there it is.
That's my beer. You're gonna have to roll a saving throw.
It's in with the Cheetos.
If I catch someone looking at my Dungeon Master's Screen more than dice are gonna roll.
I know I gave it to somebody over here and I didn't get it back.
Roll for initiative.
I can't roll. Ew, now it's got yellow on it.

We were skulking through this dungeon, a mighty sorry lot
Old Galliard the fighter had been actin' like a sot
Our cleric had colitis, our torches all were wet
But we had to find some treasure soon to get us out of debt

All right, who had the damn lobster bisque?

So Galliard and Sonja were itchin' for a fight
They both took the left fork, while we went to the right
And that is when we heard it: the sound of rollin' dice
We wondered why we had ignored those words of sage advice

Two words: diversified portfolio

Don't you know you never split the party?
Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight

So then we heard this bellow from back around the bend
We turned around to see if there was aid that we could lend
And suddenly the corridor was covered up with orcs
We fell back in a panic, feeling like a bunch of dorks

One of my dice are cubic zirconia

The thief had pissed his leathers, our monk was turning blue
Our wizard got all flustered and he covered us with goo
The cleric swung his holy club some orcish skulls to break
We tried to dodge his back-swing as we pondered our mistake

Don't you know you never split the party?
Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight

We finally found our fighters, they were hacking at a troll
They chopped off knees and elbows but it kept on growing whole
Our wizard flung his fireball, his dice they did not fail
He torched that troll and left the fighters roasting in their mail

The cleric had his hands full, apologies were said
We swore an oath we'd stick together just like we were wed
But then we found that sneaky thief had vanished in the gloom
We caught him stuffing pockets in the secret treasure room

Heh heh, heh heh, heh heh, I'm in politics

Don't you know you never split the party?
Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight

Don't you know you never split the party?
Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief
You never let that damn thief
You never let that damn thief out of sight

Saving at minus four

Natural 20

If I ran a game store I would play the song Natural 20 by Efenwealt Wystle.

We've all been in that situation where the odds are stacked against us. The target number is either impossibly high or the dice modifiers are deep into the negatives. Often enough you need to make the roll to even survive the encounter. Yeah, it's like that. There's only one number that'll save you now: natural twenty. That's this song. It's an ode to that one face on the icosahedron that allows you to do as you please and it's the one face that the DM cannot thwart.

Natural 20 was written by Scott Vaughan who recorded the first version under his band name, The Blibbering Humdingers. It was released as a single in 2011 with the title Natural 20. Next, the song was released on The Blibbering Humdingers' 2012 album, Free Awkward Hugs, with the title Natural 20 (album remix). Then in 2014, Mikey Mason (a personal friend of Scott) recorded a much heavier version of the song on his album, dodecahedron. A month later Efenwealt Wystle released the album Holding On with a new version of the song, titled Natural 20 (living room version). Other than Mikey Mason's version, the differences between the versions are minor - the most notable difference is the prose portion of the songs. I like the living room version because it sounds like it was recorded in the Vaughan living room, which to me is a reminder that the hobby game industry was (and in many ways still is) a cottage industry started in basements, living rooms, and garages. If I ran a game store I would play the Efenwealt Wystle "living room version", although I enjoy all the versions I have heard.

M is for Magic Missile

If I ran a game store I would play the song M is for Magic Missile by Mary Crowell.

If there was a Schoolhouse Rock! crossover with Dungeons and Dragons, this song is what I imagine it would sound like. It's an A, B, Cs song sung at an adult level and with all of the letters corresponding to arcane spells in D&D. Mary Crowell plays her piano and belts out the lyrics with such style that there are times it almost feels like a Broadway show tune. You'd never think an A, B, Cs song could be so catchy. M is for Magic Missile is from Mary Crowell's 2012 album, Acolytes of the Machine & Other Gaming Stories. The song was entered into ENWorld.org's "Battle of the Bards" 2012 competition but didn't pass its heat. However, one of Mary's other songs, I Put My Low Stat, took first place in that competition.

M is for Magic Missile on Google Play

Fred the Ranger

If I ran a game store I would play the song Fred the Ranger by Dan Marcotte.

We've all seen bits on TV of campy, medieval king's courts where there is a jester and a minstrel. The jester fails to get a laugh and is dismissed, so the king calls for music. The lute and/or recorder strikes up a tune as the scene changes to another camera, this time showing characters in conversation, and the music fades into the background. The music in that scene is akin to what Dan Marcotte plays, only he laces his with lyrics about modern and geeky subjects. In Fred the Ranger, he strums his guitar and sings about D&D-styled rangers while a recorder and drum round out the accompaniment. The song belongs in both game stores and around campfires, and the guy singing it needs a plume in his hat. The song follows Fred from a young age until his retirement, recounting his favored enemies and some of his more memorable kills. Alas, it also follows Fred out of his retirement in a verse that serves as a warning to all role-players: do not overestimate your character.

Fred the Ranger was released on Dan Marcotte's 2009 album, Manticores and Owlbears.

Fred the Ranger on Google Play

Roll a D6

If I ran a game store I would play the song Roll a D6 by Connor Anderson and Zac Smith.

You've hatched a plan at the game table but it involves off-the-wall shenanigans. What's a proper GM to say? That's where Connor Anderson was when his DM, Zac Smith, had him roll a d6. Zac gave him the instruction and the inspiration for this song was immediate. Hours later they had a final draft of the lyrics, parodying the song Like a G6 by Far East Movement. Roll a D6 gives a series of gaming vignettes that all resolve with the DM commanding resolution by six-sided die. You want to avoid a thing? You want to see a thing? You want to swipe a thing? D6, d6, and d6, respectively; let fate take control.

Roll a D6 was released direct to YouTube in May 2011.

Roll a D6 on Amazon

I Put My Low Stat

If I ran a game shop I would like to play the song I Put My Low Stat by Mary Crowell, but it's NSFW.

Roll 4d6, drop the low number, sum the rest, and note the total. Do it five more times and you've got the first step in Dungeons and Dragons character creation. Next you assign the numbers to your stats and in doing so you essentially dictate your character's class. We've all been through the woes, but it took Mary Crowell to write and record a song about it. I Put My Low Stat features Mary singing pleasantly over her piano about the pros and cons of assigning the low stat to all six abilities. She drops plenty of D&D lingo and a solitary swear word. I waffled on labeling this song NSFW for the lone swear word, but I decided the balance of the language and the gentle way she swears made the song okay to play in my fictional game store.

I Put My Low Stat was released on Mary Crowell's 2012 album, Acolytes Of The Machine & Other Gaming Stories - which has many other excellent songs about Dungeons and Dragons. The abiding role-playing website, ENWorld.org, hosted "The Battle of the Bards" music competition in 2012. One month after Mary's album released, she won the top prize for I Put My Low Stat.

I Put My Low Stat on Google Play

D & D

If I ran a game store I would play the song D & D by Stephen Lynch.

One of the nice things about gamers is that we have an understanding of how geeky our hobbies are. We've learned to take a few jabs as long as its done the right way. Stephen Lynch is a comedian and musician who jabs at gamers with his D & D routine. The bit calls for two voices, so he's joined in the recording by Mark Teich. D & D is a comedy song that highlights some of the standard gamer stereotypes, i.e. the virgin living in the parents' basement. It's performed in front of audiences that might be laughing at gamers, but the song is so off the mark of reality that even gamers can have a laugh at it. Since it's a comedy routine the lyrics are often in prose, but I didn't bother to note that in the lyrics I provided. Also, it's a routine that is still performed and it has evolved over time. The D & D version I would play in my game store is from Lynch's 2003 album, Superhero. He also released a version title D&D (Live 2005) on his 2005 album, The Craig Machine. The 2005 version is longer, but it contains a fair bit of swearing and isn't really fit for playing in an all-ages store. I haven't checked, but I imagine there being plenty of recording on YouTube will all sort of variant lyrics.

D & D on Google Play