The Elements

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Elements by Tom Lehrer.

"Sing the phonebook" is a phrase at the root of many compliments paid to singers. It's used to claim they could sing any old words and make it sound good, for example, "she could sing the phonebook and I'd pay to listen." While I've never heard that claim made about Tom Lehrer, he did sing the names of all the elements on the periodic table to paying audiences. The song, The Elements, is him singing those names to the tune of Major-General's Song from The Pirates of Penzance. He names every element on the table at the time the song was written in 1959, although he doesn't sing them in the order they appear on the periodic table. Instead, he puts them into a sequence to match the original tune's meter and to introduce alliteration. The song is equal parts hectic and humorous.

The Elements has been released on three of Tom Lehrer's albums. First, on 1959's More of Tom Lehrer and 1959's An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer (it's a live album and the track has spoken comedy in addition to the song) and 1994's compilation album Tom Lehrer in Concert (it's the same track from An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer). The song has also appeared on compilation kids' and comedy albums.

The Elements (More of Tom Lehrer version) on Google Play

The Loneliest Ghost in Town

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Loneliest Ghost in Town by Southern Culture on the Skids.

We don't all get to choose where we'll be when our life ends. The thing is if you move on to the spirit realm then it's not so much of a matter for you, but if your soul is trapped wandering across the mortal realm, well, then you hope to be someplace nice. There are tales of some pretty boring haunted places, like canyon passes and ghost ships. If you're the living and you get spooked by an out of the way ghost you scream and run away, but if you're the ghost in this scenario then you're in for an afterlife of boredom. The Loneliest Ghost in Town is a foot-stomping, rockabilly song with a title that sums up its subject matter quite well.

The Loneliest Ghost in Town was released on the 2013 album, Mondo Zombie Boogaloo. MZB is a Halloween-themed album, with songs by Southern Culture on the Skids, The Fleshtones, and Los Straitjackets. It released in in October 2013 to accompany the three bands on a joint tour. In my opinion, there are two other standout tracks on the album: It's Monster Surfing Time and Que Monstruos Son, both by Los Straitjackets. It's Monster Surfing Time is a surf music song with a playful, ominous vibe to it. Que Monstruos Son is a Spanish-language version of The Monster Mash and it features members from The Fleshtones and Southern Culture on the Skids. If I ran a game store I would also play the song It's Monster Surfing Time. for the general vibe it brings.

The Loneliest Ghost in Town on Google Play

Press Start to Continue

If I ran a game store I would play the song Press Start to Continue by Possible Oscar.

I'm pretty much a blundering idiot. I say the wrong things. I act the wrong way. I'm never listening when it matters. If I had a ring that would take me back twenty seconds when I twist it, that would give me just enough time to review my foolishness and replace it with better behavior. I'm betting that Possible Oscar is a bunch of blundering idiots, too, because they've written a song about going back in time to correct social errors. Their solution was to do like in video games, though, where you can save your game and start there again after you die. Press Start to Continue is a parody of Judas Priest's Living After Midnight. I realize that heavy metal isn't the right fit for most game stores, but Living After Midnight is 35 years old and the original has weathered with time, plus Possible Oscar knows how to record their tunes so they're perfect for game stores - if you squint, it almost sounds like classic rock.

Press Start to Continue was released on the FuMP in early 2008 and it released a few months later on their album, The FuMP Volume 7. It was included on Possible Oscar's 2010 album, Individual Results May Vary.

Press Start to Continue on Bandcamp
Press Start to Continue on Google Play

My Freeze Ray

If I ran a game store I would play the song My Freeze Ray by Neil Patrick Harris.

The Fall 2007 season of television was a bleak season for it suffered under the impact of a Writers Guild of America strike. By the opening of 2008, there was nothing new to watch anywhere. Established shows were capable of surviving the strike while others, like Pushing Daisies, were doomed. However, just because there was a strike doesn't mean that all writers spent all their time on picket lines. The Whedon brothers - Jed, Joss, and Zack - and actress Maurissa Tancharoen (later Jed's wife) spent time working on a project that would allow them circumvent the entanglements of the strike. The result was Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a three-act musical comedy/drama video starring Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, and Felicia Day. It was first released for public consumption on the Dr. Horrible website, with act 1 releasing on July 15, 2008, act 2 on July 17, and act 3 on July 19, and has since become available from many vendors. The series was very warmly received and cemented the Whedons and stars as modern pop culture geek icons. It spawned a pseudo-sequel (Commentary! The Musical), comic book tributes by Dark Horse Comics, and cosplay fandom.

My Freeze Ray is the first song of the first act, performed by Neil Patrick Harris. In the scene, Dr. Horrible (NPH) is reading a letter submitted to his blog that questions who "her" is. Cut to the interior of a laundromat. Dr. Horrible is incognito, casting a wanting eye over Penny (Felicia Day) and singing about his feelings for her. I find it to be the most accessible song from the series, especially without context. The song reflects a supervillain in the making singing about how he wants to use his powers for love and not evil. It's sweet and menacing at the same time.

The song was released on the 2008 soundtrack entitled, Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Fans often refer to the song with the name "Laundry Day,"

My Freeze Ray on Google Play

I Fucking Love Science

If I ran a game store I would like to play the song I Fucking Love Science by Hank Green and The Perfect Strangers, but it's NSFW.

Elise Andrew started the "I Fucking Love Science" Facebook page in 2012 as a place to post neat science links. The page grew quickly and as it grew its name became a brand, spilling onto Twitter, Google+, and it's own dedicated website. In 2014, Hank Green and The Perfect Strangers released the song I Fucking Love Science on their album, Incongruent. I don't know that there is any relationship between the band and the brand that Mrs. Andrew has started, but if there's not there should be. Hank Green is an enormous nerd. He's got a science degree, a science blog and a science vlog, he's an inventor and a musician, he's started his own music label and he's interviewed the President of the United States of America. I think he is uniquely qualified to sing the I Fucking Love Science song, officially or unofficially. At any rate, he has this song and it's fun. It's a fast driving, modern rock tune perfect for singing at the top of your voice while you drive... or while selecting a board game from the store shelf. There's a clean version of the song - I Love Science - which is the same exact tune but sung without the expletive. It doesn't have the same punch for me, though. If I ran a game store I would like to play the uncensored version or neither - the clean version doesn't float my boat.

I Fucking Love Science on Google Play

You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You

If I ran a game store I might play the song You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You by Moneyshot Cosmonauts, it's iffy.

Everybody has their secrets. Some of us watch taboo anime, some of us use cosplay inappropriately, some of us use our beards to conceal weird things on our faces, and some of us aren't too proud to take home a bottom-feeder. It's this last group that Moneyshot Cosmonauts focuses on in You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You. Their parody of the oldie I Only Want to Be with You by Dusty Springfield (and covered many times since) follows a woman who's far from home, looking for some action in a bar full of losers. It's an internal dialogue showing her willpower weaken as she takes drink after drink.

The Moneyshot Cosmonauts aren't a band in the normal sense. They're M. Spaff Sumsion and whoever he can find to assist when the inspiration to record strikes him. Each song of theirs will have a different listing of band members. For You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You it's Cari Golden on lead and backing vocals, Bob Emmet on backing vocals and all of the instruments, and M. Spaff Sumsion on lyrics. They released the song on The FuMP in 2010 and it was released on The FuMP Volume 20 a couple of months later.

Gamers have the enduring reputation of being homely, weird, smelly nerds. I've spent enough time gaming in game stores and at conventions to know that this reputation should have expired, but hasn't. We're a diverse lot and I think that diversity lends us a collective sense of humor about homeliness, weirdos, and nerd life. Therefore I also think we can take a song like You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You and get a laugh out of it and not think it's aimed at us, because it isn't. But it also kind of is. We count the homely, weird, and smelly nerds among our numbers and there's a good chance we've all dealt with considering ourselves to be one - it's like a group identity thing. Okay, this is getting away from me. What I'm trying to say is this song isn't about gaming or pop culture so it doesn't properly belong on this list, but I think it'll play well to gamers because reasons, therefore it's iffy as to whether or not I'd play it in my store. Was that so hard to say, Roy, really?

You're Homely But I'll Sleep With You on Google Play

The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix)

If I ran a game store I would play the song The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix) by Lemon Demon.

If Darth Vader fought the Doctor, who would win? What if it was Indiana Jones versus a Terminator T-800 Model 101? How about Batman versus Sauron? Or Vin Diesel and Mr. T? Pirates or ninjas? These are all classic arguments to be had on the walk to school in the sixth grade, at the game table as you wait for Jimmy to arrive, or in the Cal Tech cafeteria as depicted on The Big Bang Theory. In 2005, Lemon Demon threw all the names into a hat and rolled out The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny as a tribute to these queries. The song narrates the events of a battle royale between pop culture figures large and small and old and new, ultimately crowning a single victor.

When the song was initially released, in December 2005, it accompanied a Flash animation video by Shawn Vulliez. The video was released on the Newgrounds website, where it went viral and currently has over 12,000,000 views. The video was copied onto other viral websites, like Albino Blacksheep and YouTube, where it continued to be viewed by millions of people. Dr. Demento played the song repeatedly through 2006, with the song topping the "Funny Five" many times and eventually being crowned #1 Request for 2006. In July 2006, Lemon Demon released The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny on his album, Dinosaurchestra. Lemon Demon recorded a new version of the song, The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix), for inclusion in the Rock Band video game series in 2010. He also released the RBN Mix on The FuMP, where it was eventually included on The FuMP Volume 22. Finally, a live version of the song was released on Lemon Demon's 2011 album, Live (Only Not), with the billing "performed by the actual Full Band, instead of just a guy and a computer." The full band is Neil "Lemon Demon" Cicierega on vocals and piano, Greg Lanzillotta on drums, Alora Lanzillotta on bass, Charles "Chooch" Sergio and Dave Kitsberg on guitars. If I ran a game store I would play the RBN Mix version.

The Ultimate Showdown (RBN Mix) on Google Play

Sidekick

If I ran a game store I would play the song Sidekick by Tom Smith.

Heroic duos go far back into the history of fiction with the term "sidekick" being shortened from "side kicker" in the 1850s. A heroic duo is formed of one hero - Sherlock Holmes, King Arthur, Frodo Baggins, Han Solo - and one side kick - John Watson, Merlin, Samwise Gamgee, Chewbacca. Sometimes the hero lives up the title of hero and other times the sidekick is the one exhibiting strength and lifting the hero through conflict. The hero gets the glamour and the sidekick gets a feeling of thanks. This is the dynamic that Tom Smith examines in the song Sidekick. The song is a jaunty tune performed by Mr. Smith singing over a Garageband track. Lyrically, it sounds like the grumbling of an undervalued sidekick, more in line with four-color comics than classical literature.

Sidekick was released on Tom Smith's 2007 album, iTom 4.0: Smith and Legend.

Sidekick on Google Play

Half as Cool as Han Solo

If I ran a game store I would play the song Half as Cool as Han Solo by Dan Beahm and The Invisible Three.

I remember when I was a child of six years of age and after seeing Star Wars: A New Hope we all wanted to be Luke Skywalker. Since it didn't make sense for us all to be Luke some of us played Wedge and some of us played Porkins and some of us played Han, but Luke was the man to be. Luke was pretty much the cool one until we all got to high school and realized he was the whiny one. At that point all of our perceptions of cool fragmented, with some guys choosing Lando, some choosing Boba Fett, and some choosing Han. I'm pretty sure this debate still occurs among long-time and brand-new fans of the franchise.

Dan Beahm is clearly in the camp of Han Solo being the coolest. He's written and performed the love song Half as Cool as Han Solo, in which he shines a light on Solo's finer moments as deeds with which he, Dan, cannot compete. If he could compete, though, he'd be worthy of the Leia he pursues. Mr. Beahm holds himself to too high a standard. Maybe he's not the fastest at the Kessel Run, but he has put out two albums and directed/produced some movies and I think that's pretty cool.

Half as Cool as Han Solo is a medium tempo rock tune. It was released on Dan Beahm and The Invisible Three's 2003 album, Maybe I'll Fly. That version has the lyrics getting swallowed up by the guitar and sounds very late 1990's coffee shop. The song was performed anew and released on Dan Beahm and the Invisible Three's 2007 album, Amplifier. The versions are very similar, with the production quality being the main difference. If I ran a game store I would play the 2007 version.

Half as Cool as Han Solo on Google Play

Best Game Ever

If I ran a game store I would like to play the song Best Game Ever by Mikey Mason, but it's NSFW.

It doesn't take long after someone starts role-playing for them to start recounting their favorite characters and battles and campaigns. And it doesn't take long after someone starts recounting for everyone else to realize they had to be there to really enjoy it. Mikey Mason has brought to song one of the best nights in gaming that he can recall. The party succeeded with many mighty deeds but what really capped it is that the guy in the group that irritates everyone kept getting slammed in comical fashion. For the song, Best Game Ever, you don't need to have been there to enjoy it - all you need to do is tune in and maybe sing along.

Mikey Mason likes playing his electric guitar loudly and singing loudly and, generally, making loud, gaming music. In Best Game Ever he yields to the verses, with the volume and emotion of his vocal matching the mood of the memory he's describing. The song starts with a calm retelling of the game, but as he enjoys himself more the vocals really start coming from his gut. It comes across like a gamer getting excited and losing it a little bit. Mikey states on the song's Bandcamp page that his inspiration for this song is the song Tonight by Cossbysweater (a.k.a. Allie Goertz), which is another song about role-playing but is radically different from Best Game Ever in tone and sound. I don't know what he heard to birth this song from that one. Tonight is a song I'll cover some other time on X Marks the Beat.

Best Game Ever is from Mikey Mason's 2012 album, Barbarian Jetpack. He released the song on The FuMP in 2013, as well.

Best Game Ever on Google Play

I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home

If I ran a game store I would play the song I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home by Eduard Khil.

In the 1960s and 1970s Eduard Khil was a treasured Russian crooner, with a couple of generations enjoying his soothing baritone vocals. He and his composer, Arkady Ostrovsky, had composed this song in the mid-60s with lyrics about an American cowboy returning to his farm. When it came time to perform the song on television, Khil put aside the lyrics and performed the song vokaliz style instead (meaning sung but without words, akin to American scat singing). Some claim that the government was censoring the imagery of the life in the American west to Soviet-era listeners. Khil denied this, claiming instead that the lyrics were unfit for television. YouTube has a variety of videos of Khil performing this song. All of them are vokaliz and all are accompanied by a full orchestra. A 1976 performance was discovered there by internet misfits who surfaced it on Reddit, and from there BuzzFeed and the Huffington Post further popularized the video. The video went viral and eventually led to a call to revive Khil's career, although he was well into his 70s at the time. The song has gone down in internet history as the "Trololo" song or the "Russian Rickroll". For me, the song is time-stamped with the mark of the early 2010s. I have to imagine that most people who were clowning around on the internet at that time have encountered this song.

I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Returning Back Home on Google Play

Critical Hit

If I ran a game store I would play the song Critical Hit by Ghost Mice.

Everybody who's ever seen the movie The Goonies remembers the Goonies catchphrase, "Goonies never say die." Critical Hit is a song after that same sentiment. The song takes place in a dungeon where Despair has cast its long shadow over the party. The PCs are spent and the monsters are still walking tall. It's doubtful that the DM is going to play the Deus ex Machina card, so the only thing really left to do is to hack. Hack like your lives depend on it - and hope for that natural 20. "Not all fights are won by skill, some are won by luck." That needs to be on a Chessex poster.

Ghost Mice is a two-piece folk band composed of two people who normally play punk music: Chris Clavin on guitar and Hannah Jones on violin. The two were/are in various punk bands together - and Chris started the label Plan-It-X Records - before striking into folk music. They bring a really fun sound to folk, sounding more like an Austin, Texas band than a Bloomington, Indiana one. Critical Hit has a really loose, folksy, back porch feel to it, with most of the lyrics not caring to rhyme and most of the lines not caring for meter. I tend to forget about this song and then when I hear it I hum it for a week.

Critical Hit was released on the 2007 album, Ghost Mice & Andrew Jackson Jihad. It's a split album with the first eight songs being performed by Andrew Jackson Jihad and the last eight being played by Ghost Mice.

Critical Hit on Google Play

Exclamations

If I ran a game store I would play Exclamations by the Brobdingnagian Bards.

When I was a kid, every now and then during Saturday morning cartoons a commercial was removed and replaced with a cartoon music video from Schoolhouse Rock!. The songs were all super catchy and the cartoons were very cartoony and paired together they were magical to me. The song Exclamations is a parody of the Schoolhouse Rock! song, Interjections. Grammatically speaking, an exclamation is a type of interjection so the parody remains quite true to the original, with both songs being about the parts of speech.

Exclamations is a song written by David Keefer of Maryland-based band Boogie Knights. It's become something of a filk standard and there are many versions on YouTube sung by various artists at various conventions. The Brobdingnagian Bards' version had its lyrics doctored by Andrew McKee (of "the Bards") to be a bit more sci-fi and bit less French, and still very FLGS-worthy. They play their version on an auto-harp with Marc Gunn doing the singing and McKee doing the exclaiming.

Exclamations by the Brobdingnagian Bards was released on The FuMP in summer of 2007 and was released on the album, The FuMP Volume 3 not long after.

Exclamations on Google Play

Worst Superpower Ever

If I ran a game store I would play the song Worst Superpower Ever by The Doubleclicks.

Anyone who's read superhero comics or watched X-Men: The Last Stand knows that not all superpowers or mutations are equal. Some powers are as bland as bones protruding through skin (Marrow), the power of language translation (Cypher), an advanced skill in training attack bees (Red Bee), or the ability to morph into any shape as long as that shape is made of water (Zan). The Doubleclicks decided to have some fun with this idea by taunting the weak-powered heroes of their imaginations with the song Worst Superpower Ever. It's a slowish song filled with the voices of the Webber sisters, a guitar, and the bass tones of the violoncello. In it, they brainstorm some really weak sauce powers and then taunt whoever might have those powers. I think every geek has spent some time brainstorming lists of lousy powers because in our hearts we all know that the popular kids would be the ones with the cool powers while we'd get stuff like the ability to over-stuff pocket protectors.

There are two versions of Worst Superpower Ever that were released simultaneously in 2012. The Doubleclicks released their Chainmail and Cello album and Worst Superpower Ever album at the same time. While the two albums have different songs there are some songs that appear on both, with the Chainmail and Cello versions being dirty and the Worst Superpower Ever versions being clean (they change lyrics, they don't bleep words). In the case of the song Worst Superpower Ever the difference between the two versions is one lyric:

Adult version: Or would you rather be a brave blind man with the power to see?
Kids version: Or would you rather have the power to control all the fish in the sea?

If I ran a game store I would play the adult version of Worst Superpower Ever from the album Chainmail and Cello, just because.

Worst Superpower Ever on Google Play
Worst Superpower Ever (kid's version) on Google Play